The Fat Mindset

When I used to go shopping, I would look through a variety of shirts and try to find the largest size. A lot of retailers only stock a max size 12 or 14 so I often found it very hard to find clothes that fit, let alone look good. The worst was when an item of clothing is simply labelled "large" – what the heck does that mean?! More often than not, it meant it's not going to fit me.

Once I started losing weight, I still went straight to the large sizes. I was still looking for the loose-fitting dresses and pants that could hide my stomach. My mindset hadn't yet adapted to my changing body.

On Friday while shopping, I found a nice long sleeve t-shirt. Looking at the large, I decided it was definitely too big for me. I picked up medium and small, eyeing them both with furrowed eyebrows. I took both to the changing room to try my luck. The medium felt great, comfy and loose-fitting. Then I put on the small - also comfy, but more fitted. At that point I realised I have no idea what size I am. Not only that, I have no idea how clothes are meant to fit. I'm so used to a baggy fit that I don't know what's normal anymore.

Being fat is a mindset, and it's so incredibly difficult to shake that perspective. With clothing, you have to find items that will hide your body... and the same goes for interactions with people. You often try your best to stay under the radar. If I was out with friends and someone approached the group, I would assume he was only talking to me to get introduced to one of the other girls. In my mind, I would feel offended and create a wall of aloof rudeness to make the situation just go away.

I am only now becoming more aware of the deep-seated feelings of vulnerability, anxiety, and shame that comes with a life of fat. I think you have to open yourself up to acknowledge the emotions, feel them, and let them go. Nothing good ever comes from bottling your feelings.

I know... easier said than done. Believe me, I still walk into a room and think I'm the fattest person there. I still freak out every time my boyfriend picks me up, thinking he's going to collapse under my weight. I still look at myself naked in the mirror and think "you're disgusting". Losing weight won't take those thoughts and feelings away. You have to work on that yourself.