Holiday Guilt

I went to my first spin class of the year on Thursday and was, of course, exhausted about 10 minutes in.

At the end of the class, the instructor said something really interesting. He said everyone is so tired because we're feeling guilty about the food we ate over the holidays. At first this seemed like complete gibberish (like what do YOU know about what I've eaten) but then he explained. He said we're spending so much of our energy on guilt and negativity that it's sapping our energy levels to do other things. We think that working out is just about physical energy but it's affected by emotional energy as well. Given that I felt guilty throughout the holidays, I think his theory has some validity.

I am so ashamed to admit that I am going back to Weight Watchers this week. From the end of last year, my eating (or rather, my constant snacking) was getting out of control and took a turn for the worst in the December holidays. My heart jumped out my chest when I got on the scale just after Christmas and found that I was 5 kilos heavier than my goal weight. My stomach was so big that for a second I honestly thought I could be pregnant.

I feel like a complete failure for not being able to maintain my weight. It feels like I've thrown all my hard work in the garbage. It seems like I've moved 5 steps back.

Thankfully, since getting home and going back to my normal routine, I'm only 3 kilos over my goal weight. However, I still feel fat, my jeans are still tight, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'm determined to get back to my goal this year but, as I've stated so many times before, every day is a struggle. I've watched a lot of documentaries where they say food is an addiction. I never really understood that until now. I eat constantly. Not because I'm hungry, not because I'm sad, I just eat to eat. I'm finally understanding the depths of the situation that weight loss maintenance is a lifelong battle.

Bingo Wings

I have this problem... It seems inconsiderate assholes are somehow drawn to me, as if they can sense my insecurities from a mile away like a shark smells blood. A few weeks ago I found myself sitting on a bench in complete shock with a needle sticking out my arm (I give blood every few months at work).

Moments before...
The male nurse tightened a pressure cuff round my arm, and all the excess flab compressed into the uncanny resemblance of a squished marshmallow. He asked, "Were you always this size or did you lose weight?" I hesitantly replied, "I lost weight... Why? How do you know?"

He responded, "I can tell by your arms."
At this point I already had a needle jabbed in my vein so I couldn't get up to slap him across the face.

This man has obviously never had a girlfriend because then he'd know to not comment on a woman's body or to carry on putting his foot in it...

He continued, "You know how you can fix it... (oh please DO tell) ...with bicep curls."
I literally had no words for this man... he felt the need to criticize my body and tell me how to "fix" my imperfections.

So thanks, dickhead, for commenting on my hideous arms and making me feel even more self-conscious than I already am.

Annoying things people say #7

I'm going to Durban for the weekend. Get ready for a tirade of venting. It has begun:

On the phone
Grandmother: So what do you want for lunch on Saturday?

Me: Anything... I'm not fussy

Grandmother: What can you eat now?

Me: I eat everything

Grandmother: Oh... you eat everything? How's your weight now?

Really?! I eat like a normal human being so I must be fat again??

Maintenance Update #2

I've been struggling to write this post because everything I think of sounds terrible. I've been re-reading my old posts and, to be honest, 6 months later I still feel the same. As one of my New Year resolutions, I said I would only step on the scale on Fridays. Guess what? After the last maintenance update I've been checking my weight every single day. If you're following my insta account, then you know my body fat percentage has gone from 22% in December to 25% in May. Not only was this hugely demotivating, but it made me paranoid that I'm moving backwards on this journey. My goal is still a body fat percentage of 20 (and I feel confident that I will reach it eventually) but every day is a struggle - often mingled with feelings of anxiety and guilt.

I still feel like I'm fat (or at least fatter than most people). Why is it that other people - who weigh the same as me or even more - have a completely flat stomach and I still have a flabby muffin top? I know we all have different bodies, but really? This seems unfair. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how long it will take to undo 25 years of damage. Will I ever reach my goals?

Sometimes the most unexpected things upset me the most. When a friend says "you're so lame" after I refuse a shot. When a family member says "you're taking this too far". I might be overly sensitive, but those words play on my mind. I start to wonder if they're right... I wake up at 5 for gym and finish work at 6. I cook, I do dishes, I go to sleep. Repeat. I start to question what my life has become - Am I boring now? What do I do with my time? Do my friends even like me? I realise that many people won't understand my journey - and that's fine - but it still hurts when what I deem hard work is met with criticism and disdain.

What did I tell you? It all sounds terrible. It sounds as if between cooking, work, and the gym, I sit in my room weeping. This is not the case. After maintaining my goal weight for 6 months... I'm proud. I'm confident. I celebrate small victories.

I'm really happy with how my relationship with food has changed. It's the little things that I'm most proud of: knowing that I need a colourful plate of food with 50% veggies, eating a big breakfast full of healthy protein. I've changed my frame of mind from a life of indulgence to a life of balance. Well, I'm slowly getting there at least. I'm trying to eat when I'm hungry and not when I'm stressed, and not when I'm bored. I fail miserably a lot of the time but, the point is, I'm more aware of it now.

I like how I'm pushing my body. People love to comment "oh you're taking it too far, you're pushing yourself too much" but I'm doing things with my body that I never thought was possible for me. I never thought I'd start pole dancing, hanging upside down, and holding on for dear life with the back of my leg. It makes me feel brave and in control of my own life, and I think that's what people don't understand. My friends and family see it as fitness taking over my life, but I see it as me taking back control of my own health, body, and fitness.

I have this stuck on my fridge: Don't be scared to be alone. Goals are personal. No matter what issues I have regarding my family, my friends or my body image... I'm stronger than I was 6 months ago, I'm pushing harder, and that's all that matters.

Why did I eat so much?

Googled "Why did I eat so much"... was not disappointed with the results.

I feel you little guy, I feel you.

Frankenstein food

Today is a public holiday and I'm currently sitting at the office, working on projects due tomorrow. In what could only have been a self-loathing, self-pitying fury, I ate an entire large packet of chips. They're called Chipi Multigrain Chips (basically a rip-off of Pringles) and they are - what Weight Watchers would call - my frankenstein food. 

Frankenstein foods are those terrible snacky-type foods that are impossible to stop eating at just one. We all have a particular weakness... and mine happens to be bizarre discount chips from Dischem.

Needless to say... I feel quite ill now.

Soy Milk and Whole Wheat Pasta

Last week I made a creamy mushroom pasta with...

Soy milk
Whole wheat pasta
NO butter

Who am I even?!

I never ever thought I'd be that person. I used to love that incredible velvety richness of full fat cream. Recently I've noticed that dairy products aren't agreeing with my body. Maybe they never did. Maybe I'm only noticing now because I'm more aware of what I put in my body.

When I first tasted whole wheat pasta, I loooaaathed the taste. In my eyes, nothing could replace that soft, delicate white linguine. However, in an effort to eat cleaner this year, I decided to ween myself off the white stuff. When I made pasta, I mixed a little whole wheat in with the white noodles. Each time, I added more and more whole wheat... and now I barely notice the difference. For anyone trying to get more fibre in your diet, this is the way to do it. Don't go cold turkey - make the change slowly and it'll stick.

I've never been a fan of brown rice either... challenge accepted :)

7 Unexpectedly AWFUL things that happen when you lose weight

It's not all sunshine and roses on the other side.

1. You are more aware of your body and it's flaws than ever before. Before I lost the weight, I was just fat... there was nothing else wrong with me. Now I see the flabby arms, the wobbly belly, the stretch marks. Even on my skinny legs I see the fat when I'm sitting cross-legged.

2. You will need a push up bra. These holidays my mother said to me, "God you really are flat now." Thanks... real confidence-booster, Mom.

3. Your relationships change. The moment my ex said "I'm not making fitness a priority anymore" I knew we no longer had anything in common. I really enjoyed working out together as a couple and he just thought it was boring.

4. You overthink every compliment you get. "You look great now!" Wait, how the hell did I look before?

5. You start to feel that your weight loss is your only worth. My current whatsapp profile picture is one of me scuba diving. A friend commented on it - not about my experience scuba diving, not that it's a nice picture. What did she say? "Where was this taken? Your legs are so thin."

6. People think it's their right and their job to tell you what to do with your body. A really close friend of mine just won't let it go - apparently my ears look big now, my face looks gaunt, I'm taking the weight loss too far, and if I put on 10 kilos then I'll be perfect. I'm sorry you feel that way but it's MY body and I'm going to do what I want.

7. People think you're not as fun as you used to be - I don't really drink anymore, I sleep early, I make gym a priority on Saturday morning. For most people, that means you're boring as fuck.

Shape magazine perfectly summarised these feelings in their article 6 Stages of Weight Loss Grief

5 Unexpected things that happen when you lose weight

1. Certain food and drinks are too sweet for you now. I can NOT drink ciders or my old poison rum & coke. It's like eating sugar straight up.

2. Your clothes don't fit anymore. Yes, this one is obvious, but it still comes as a surprise! No matter how much you desperately cling to your favourites, you have to let them go sometime.

3. Even your rings and shoes no longer fit. Who knew you lost fat in your fingers?!

4. You feel the damn cold. All that blubber insulation is gone.

5. You can't stop checking out your muscles. Okay, so I don't have big scary guns or anything... but I have very defined calves and thighs. When your teenage cousin says, "Geez Nik, your legs are so dak!" then you must know.

My recent feature in BONA magazine. Aaaalll the legs.

Watch what you eat

A few weeks ago my trainer said to me "You're going to have to watch what you eat soon."

My immediate reaction... What do you MEAN watch what I eat? What do you think I've been doing this whole time?? 

But then I realised... I really do need to take a good look at my diet. Even though I'm a healthy body weight, it doesn't mean that I'm healthy. My boyfriend and I buy brownie ice cream and sugar cones. I buy a french loaf and eat almost the whole thing in a day. If I'm ever going to achieve my body goals I need to look at the crap I'm putting in my body on a daily basis.

I know I could never go cold turkey on junk food... but I can definitely be more mindful. No more brownie in a mug at midnight. No more pizza after a night of drinking. It's time to take control of my food and my health.

5 tips to stick to your eating plan

30 kilos later... and at least once a week I'm asked the question "How did you do it?" There's no simple answer and there's no quick solution. To put it simply, it takes perseverance. That said, I have some tips that worked for me. I'm not saying they'll work for you - everyone has different diet habits - but I'd like to pass on any knowledge that might help :)

1. Don't drink your calories

Sodas, juices, ice tea - all full of sugar. The best thing to drink is water. Alcohol is another biggie - one glass of dry white contains up to 77 calories. If I do have wine, I choose a lite variety and add lots of ice.

2. Always eat breakfast

We've all heard the 'most important meal of the day speech' - well you know what? #TRUTH
When I wasn't eating breakfast, I would starve it out till about 11, at which point I resembled a zombie from The Walking Dead. My personal preference for a good breakfast is low GI seed bread with avo or egg.

3. Have a little junk food

I know what you're thinking... How can this retarded girl be telling me to eat junk food when I'm on a diet?? 
Well, in my version of healthy living you can eat everything. Yesterday I ate delicious greasy BACON CHEESE FRIES. Today? Back to healthy eating. Having just a little satisfies my craving so I have the motivation to keep going. I mean, a life without bacon is not worth living, right?

4. Get some sleep

If I'm out with friends, I start getting itchy feet by 11pm - God it's so late, I need to get to bed! When you're tired, you make bad food choices - you crave something carby and sugary to give you an energy boost. 8 hours - your body will thank you.

5. Stay active

Yeah yeah, I know the story... you had a rough day at work and now you just want to sink into the couch and watch junk TV. I know the feeling all too well. Even on the days I feel like that, I try to at least take a walk or do a chilled gym class. My problem? If I don't do any activity, I feel guilty and start eating the whole kitchen.

You don't look like the sporty type

I have a... let's say, an interesting relationship with my boyfriend's mother. She's a lovely woman - very accepting of me, very kind and helpful, and of course, she must have done a great job raising her son for me to want to date him. However, there are certain things she says that make me wonder what she really thinks of me. For the purpose of this post, let's call her MIL (mother-in-law).

Case 1

BF: Niki and I are going rock climbing.

MIL: Oh that's so nice that you try things Paul likes. You don't look very sporty, more of an arty-farty type.

Pause - Is arty-farty a euphemism for fat?!


Case 2

BF: Sooo... my mom was clearing her closet and asked if you want this?

*sends photo of oversized printed waist-coat thing*

Me: Ummm... tell her I said thank you for thinking of me, but it's not really my style.

BF: I tried it on, it's HUGE.

Now is it just me... or does she think of me as a heffer?

30 Kilos Later

I've always been fat. I grew up as a squishy chubby-cheeked little girl and continued to gain more weight as I got older. I remember being teased by a class member in Grade 1. I remember dreading my visits to Little Gem for uniforms at the beginning of the school year... knowing I had to go two sizes up. I remember feeling like I was different from other people. 

Growing up larger than most, you develop a lot of strengths. You make a lot of friends, you develop your personality, you learn how to cope on your own. You also develop defenses - in your relationships, your fears, in the way you picture your future.

I honestly never thought I would or could ever lose this much weight. I never thought I'd start running. I never thought I'd be wearing shorts and sleeveless shirts. 

When I first started losing weight, I didn't have any expectations. I set a goal of 10% of my body weight and thought I would be happy with just that. Once I lost the first 10kgs... I knew I could do more. I realised I had the potential and the drive to lose much more weight. 

This week I reached the 30kg mark. I'm amazed. I have collar bones I never knew existed. After almost two years, I've reached a body weight I deem 'normal'. This is usually the part where you say "Thanks to the support of xyz I was able to this".

No. I did this all on my own. No-one cooked me healthy food, no-one forced me to go to gym, no-one held my hand. I own this achievement. 

For anyone out there trying to lose weight, I want you to know the truth - there are two sides to this coin. Firstly, losing weight does not make you happy. You feel lighter, healthier, more energetic - but it cannot make you happier. Over the last two years, I've had to come to terms with my emotional issues regarding weight and weight loss. It seems that sometimes your fat issues are simply replaced by new ones. Sometimes when people tell me how good I look, I can't help but think how awful I must have looked before. I step on the scale every. single. day. My stress about looking fat has been replaced by the fear of getting fat again.

That said, losing weight is also liberating. I'm no longer scared of doing sports or adventure activities. I can go to the shops and buy any clothing I like. I'm a more confident and brave person. Losing weight is a true test of your strength and determination. It's not as simple as "eat less, exercise more" - there's emotions, temptations, peer pressure, self-loathing... the list is endless. Weight loss has taught me to just deal with one day at a time - You messed up? It's fine, start over tomorrow. Progress is far greater than perfection.

Fitness Goals

Yesterday I had my third fitness assessment and I am so so happy with the results. Some things haven't changed much - my arm size went from 11 inches to 10. Yup, still got those jiggly Oprah arms. However, some things have changed...

My body fat percentage went from 39.1 to 27.5. My resting heart rate went from 80 to 60. My water percentage went from 43.4 to 50.9. These are massive amazing changes that you can't see when you look at the exterior. Setting fitness goals has taught me that it's really not about the number on the scale or even the centimeters lost. It's about getting fitter, faster, stronger, and loving how it makes you feel.

Click the pic to expand

At my very first session 8 months ago, my trainer Daniella told me to set goals to work towards - goals that have absolutely nothing to do with the scale. Perhaps you want to fit into that dress you bought three years ago and never wore again. Perhaps you want to run a half marathon. Find something to work towards that doesn't involve you hopping on the scale every morning praying the numbers go down.

Fitness goals are about slow and steady progress. Getting stronger one day at a time.

FAQ: Personal Training

8 months ago, I started personal training. There are 3 general questions I get asked about it:

1. Aren't you scared of getting too muscular?
No! I'm not lifting 50kg over here! Okay okay, to be fair... before I did my research I had the same misconceptions about weight training. We've all seen those scary buff girls with fake boobs and a Donald Trump tan and assume we'll look like that too. The truth is, you use weight training to build lean muscle, to burn fat, and to tone. Ever seen those girls with the incredibly firm perky ass? => Weight training. Squats.

 

 

2. Are you still with her? Don't you know everything now?
I've been for training 6 months. Daniella has been training for nearly 10 years - it's impossible for me to know everything. What I love about Daniella is that we do something different every single week. That way, you don't get bored with the routine and you learn new techniques all the time. A lot of people have told me that their trainer didn't do much with them and made them do a lot of cardio. You need to speak to your trainer and tell them what you want to focus on, and which parts of your body you want to work. If you're still not happy then change your trainer. You need to train with someone who inspires you, someone who will gently push you, and ultimately help you reach your fitness goals.

3. Maybe I should get a personal trainer? I need someone to make me do stuff.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but no-one can make you do anything. You are totally in control of your decisions. Daniella advises that her clients do 3 days of cardio in addition to the weight training once a week. Who's going to make you do those 3 days of cardio? The best way to get yourself to the gym is to do the things you love. Personally, I fell in love with running. I also love the dance workout class and body combat. Find a workout that you love and actually want to do and you won't need anyone to force you to gym.

Are you happy now?

Pic: freeimages.com

A few weeks ago, I bumped into a work colleague at Woolies. It was somewhat awkward because all I had in my shopping basket was a lonely cucumber.

Colleague: Nikita! Is that all you're having for lunch??
*eyes me as if I'm going anorexic*

Me: No, no... this is for something else.

Colleague: You've lost so much more weight.

Me: Haha... (always awkward)

Colleague: Are you happy now?

Excuse the rant but... WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? Am I HAPPY?! In what world do you live in where skinny equates happiness? And was I supposed to have been a miserable pudgy mess when I was fatter? Do you picture me crying on my bed stuffing my face with oreos while lamenting my double chin and fat rolls? Do you think if you lose weight you'll be happier?

But... maybe I misunderstood.

Maybe she meant "are you happy with your weight now?" to which I would still reply WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? Do you go around asking everyone if they're happy with their weight? Is that what you consider polite small talk amongst colleagues? Is anyone happy with their weight?

Excluding a minuscule few, who fully embrace their love handles and muffin top, the rest of us aren't happy. It doesn't mean we don't value ourselves or that we hate our bodies... We simply want to improve, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. We aim for progress, not perfection.

The Fat Mindset

When I used to go shopping, I would look through a variety of shirts and try to find the largest size. A lot of retailers only stock a max size 12 or 14 so I often found it very hard to find clothes that fit, let alone look good. The worst was when an item of clothing is simply labelled "large" – what the heck does that mean?! More often than not, it meant it's not going to fit me.

Once I started losing weight, I still went straight to the large sizes. I was still looking for the loose-fitting dresses and pants that could hide my stomach. My mindset hadn't yet adapted to my changing body.

On Friday while shopping, I found a nice long sleeve t-shirt. Looking at the large, I decided it was definitely too big for me. I picked up medium and small, eyeing them both with furrowed eyebrows. I took both to the changing room to try my luck. The medium felt great, comfy and loose-fitting. Then I put on the small - also comfy, but more fitted. At that point I realised I have no idea what size I am. Not only that, I have no idea how clothes are meant to fit. I'm so used to a baggy fit that I don't know what's normal anymore.

Being fat is a mindset, and it's so incredibly difficult to shake that perspective. With clothing, you have to find items that will hide your body... and the same goes for interactions with people. You often try your best to stay under the radar. If I was out with friends and someone approached the group, I would assume he was only talking to me to get introduced to one of the other girls. In my mind, I would feel offended and create a wall of aloof rudeness to make the situation just go away.

I am only now becoming more aware of the deep-seated feelings of vulnerability, anxiety, and shame that comes with a life of fat. I think you have to open yourself up to acknowledge the emotions, feel them, and let them go. Nothing good ever comes from bottling your feelings.

I know... easier said than done. Believe me, I still walk into a room and think I'm the fattest person there. I still freak out every time my boyfriend picks me up, thinking he's going to collapse under my weight. I still look at myself naked in the mirror and think "you're disgusting". Losing weight won't take those thoughts and feelings away. You have to work on that yourself.

When does it end?

I dropped two kilos this week, but I don't see it as a victory.

I practiced mindful eating, and it was amazing because I got full so quickly, but it was also horrible because it forced me to be alone with my thoughts. I'm realising that one of the main reasons I (and so many others) eat in front of the telly or PC, is because it distracts you from loneliness. For almost every meal this weekend, I laid out the table, sat alone, and slowly ate my food. It got to a point that I didn't even want to eat because I didn't want to experience that soul-crushing sense of emptiness. By Sunday, I had half a brownie for dinner and went straight to bed.

It makes me wonder... when will this journey be over? I've enjoyed a lot of it, but there are moments such as this where I wish I could just switch it off and be normal again. This weekend, for whatever reason, I pushed myself way too hard at gym. I was sore and broken and I kept on going. Is this to be my life forever? Constantly pushing harder and harder trying to reach an unattainable goal? Most of the time I'm so happy and content with my progress... and then I see not one, but TWO girls at gym with crop tops and perfectly sculpted abs. (Seriously, bitch? Stop flaunting your perfect body in front of me) I look at how much time and effort it's going to take me to get to that level and it feels impossible.

Early Sunday morning, as I was putting on a load of laundry and doing other household chores, my room mate arrived back from a night of partying. I stopped drinking because they're empty calories, I don't stay out too late so that I can gym the next morning, I turn down events because I feel out of place, and I wonder if it is all worth it.

Annoying things people say: GRANDMA EDITION

As people get older, they start to lose a lot of senses. They lose their hearing, their eyesight, and then some people completely lose the ability to hold their tongue. My granny says whatever inappropriate comments come to mind, but we love her for it.

Granny: Oh Nikita you're looking so good!

Me: Ah thanks Dadima...

Granny: Do you want a chocolate?

Me: Oh I met ***** yesterday...
Granny: I don't like that girl.

Granny: Please, have some more!

Me: No no, Dadima, it was delicious but I can't eat anymore.

Granny: What, you don't like my food?

Granny: You know your sister has gotten fat!

Me: Tasha is so skinny!

Granny: Ya, but she's put on weight.

Lady: Hi Bhindoo, how are you?

Granny: Sorry, I don't remember you...

Lady: I used to be the secretary at the office.

Granny: Oh yes! I couldn't recognise you because you got so fat.

Granny: You've gotten fat hey. Now come have lunch.
Tasha: No, you just said I'm fat!
Granny: Noooo I didn't say that.. you must eat.

In the summer...
Granny: Why have you gotten so dark? You used to be so fair

Annoying things people say #2

A few months ago I had a Modern Family moment when I triumphantly strut into hospice to release my jeans into the wild. My jeans (and even the jeggings) started getting really saggy at the thighs giving me the attractive silhouette of a dumpy middle-aged woman. Excited about getting rid of these monstrosities, I phoned my parents to share the good news.

Me: Dad, I got rid of all my jeans. They don't fit anymore and look ridiculous! I took a whole bunch of clothes down to hospice today.

Dad: You shouldn't have given away your clothing.

Me: Why?

Dad: You'll need it when you put the weight back on again.

I love my dad, but that sort of demeaning honesty is so uncalled for.

In these situations you need to stand up for yourself and explain why you need support rather than judgement. In Modern Family, Cam told Mitchell that he needed to throw out his jeans because if he still had them they would always be a crutch - a back up plan if he put on weight again. It's also somewhat of a cathartic experience - a way of letting go of your fat pants memories and embracing your new lifestyle.

I am now the proud owner of size 12 jeans - a size I haven't fit into since my teens :)