Today is my uncle's birthday so my dad put together pictures of him from childhood to now. I had never seen young versions of my aunt and uncle so it was an eye-opening experience. What I noticed is that most of my family members were quite skinny and gradually started to put on weight over time. I, on the other hand, was a fat child. I also started putting on more weight over time, but I was definitely fat from the start.
I can remember in Grade 1, this bitch Teval told me I couldn't play catches with her group because I was too fat. I don't remember much from age 5, but that has stuck with me all these years. It makes me wonder how my life would have been different if I wasn't always the fat girl in class. I can imagine I would have had more confidence... perhaps I would have played more sports... maybe I would have had better luck with boys... who knows what could have happened. The reality is, being fat made me unhappy, being unhappy made me eat, and eating made me fat - the cycle was never-ending.
We can't relive or change the past, but we can take control of our emotions. Being fat left me with a deep sense of distrust and vulnerability. You constantly feel like people are laughing at you, that you're worthless, and that no-one will ever want you. It still affects my relationships today. I am trying to let go of those thoughts. I often feel like I've gotten rid of them and that I'm a new confident woman, but then something happens to trigger those feelings and all the memories come flooding back.
It's just another struggle that you have to work on every single day - learning to trust people, to stop being cold and distant with strangers, to view yourself as strong and beautiful.
PS: I didn't abandon the Salad Challenge, I just haven't had time to post :)
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