30 Kilos Later

I've always been fat. I grew up as a squishy chubby-cheeked little girl and continued to gain more weight as I got older. I remember being teased by a class member in Grade 1. I remember dreading my visits to Little Gem for uniforms at the beginning of the school year... knowing I had to go two sizes up. I remember feeling like I was different from other people. 

Growing up larger than most, you develop a lot of strengths. You make a lot of friends, you develop your personality, you learn how to cope on your own. You also develop defenses - in your relationships, your fears, in the way you picture your future.

I honestly never thought I would or could ever lose this much weight. I never thought I'd start running. I never thought I'd be wearing shorts and sleeveless shirts. 

When I first started losing weight, I didn't have any expectations. I set a goal of 10% of my body weight and thought I would be happy with just that. Once I lost the first 10kgs... I knew I could do more. I realised I had the potential and the drive to lose much more weight. 

This week I reached the 30kg mark. I'm amazed. I have collar bones I never knew existed. After almost two years, I've reached a body weight I deem 'normal'. This is usually the part where you say "Thanks to the support of xyz I was able to this".

No. I did this all on my own. No-one cooked me healthy food, no-one forced me to go to gym, no-one held my hand. I own this achievement. 

For anyone out there trying to lose weight, I want you to know the truth - there are two sides to this coin. Firstly, losing weight does not make you happy. You feel lighter, healthier, more energetic - but it cannot make you happier. Over the last two years, I've had to come to terms with my emotional issues regarding weight and weight loss. It seems that sometimes your fat issues are simply replaced by new ones. Sometimes when people tell me how good I look, I can't help but think how awful I must have looked before. I step on the scale every. single. day. My stress about looking fat has been replaced by the fear of getting fat again.

That said, losing weight is also liberating. I'm no longer scared of doing sports or adventure activities. I can go to the shops and buy any clothing I like. I'm a more confident and brave person. Losing weight is a true test of your strength and determination. It's not as simple as "eat less, exercise more" - there's emotions, temptations, peer pressure, self-loathing... the list is endless. Weight loss has taught me to just deal with one day at a time - You messed up? It's fine, start over tomorrow. Progress is far greater than perfection.

The Fat Kid

My dad has a penchant for milestone birthday videos. He has no skaam about what pictures to include in the video - three-year-old you in the bathtub, in bed wearing your rattiest holey t-shirt, and of course, that picture taken from a bad angle where you have like, three chins.

Today is my uncle's birthday so my dad put together pictures of him from childhood to now. I had never seen young versions of my aunt and uncle so it was an eye-opening experience. What I noticed is that most of my family members were quite skinny and gradually started to put on weight over time. I, on the other hand, was a fat child. I also started putting on more weight over time, but I was definitely fat from the start.

I can remember in Grade 1, this bitch Teval told me I couldn't play catches with her group because I was too fat. I don't remember much from age 5, but that has stuck with me all these years. It makes me wonder how my life would have been different if I wasn't always the fat girl in class. I can imagine I would have had more confidence... perhaps I would have played more sports... maybe I would have had better luck with boys... who knows what could have happened. The reality is, being fat made me unhappy, being unhappy made me eat, and eating made me fat - the cycle was never-ending.

We can't relive or change the past, but we can take control of our emotions. Being fat left me with a deep sense of distrust and vulnerability. You constantly feel like people are laughing at you, that you're worthless, and that no-one will ever want you. It still affects my relationships today. I am trying to let go of those thoughts. I often feel like I've gotten rid of them and that I'm a new confident woman, but then something happens to trigger those feelings and all the memories come flooding back.

It's just another struggle that you have to work on every single day - learning to trust people, to stop being cold and distant with strangers, to view yourself as strong and beautiful.


PS: I didn't abandon the Salad Challenge, I just haven't had time to post :)