Holiday Guilt

I went to my first spin class of the year on Thursday and was, of course, exhausted about 10 minutes in.

At the end of the class, the instructor said something really interesting. He said everyone is so tired because we're feeling guilty about the food we ate over the holidays. At first this seemed like complete gibberish (like what do YOU know about what I've eaten) but then he explained. He said we're spending so much of our energy on guilt and negativity that it's sapping our energy levels to do other things. We think that working out is just about physical energy but it's affected by emotional energy as well. Given that I felt guilty throughout the holidays, I think his theory has some validity.

I am so ashamed to admit that I am going back to Weight Watchers this week. From the end of last year, my eating (or rather, my constant snacking) was getting out of control and took a turn for the worst in the December holidays. My heart jumped out my chest when I got on the scale just after Christmas and found that I was 5 kilos heavier than my goal weight. My stomach was so big that for a second I honestly thought I could be pregnant.

I feel like a complete failure for not being able to maintain my weight. It feels like I've thrown all my hard work in the garbage. It seems like I've moved 5 steps back.

Thankfully, since getting home and going back to my normal routine, I'm only 3 kilos over my goal weight. However, I still feel fat, my jeans are still tight, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'm determined to get back to my goal this year but, as I've stated so many times before, every day is a struggle. I've watched a lot of documentaries where they say food is an addiction. I never really understood that until now. I eat constantly. Not because I'm hungry, not because I'm sad, I just eat to eat. I'm finally understanding the depths of the situation that weight loss maintenance is a lifelong battle.

Annoying things people say #7

I'm going to Durban for the weekend. Get ready for a tirade of venting. It has begun:

On the phone
Grandmother: So what do you want for lunch on Saturday?

Me: Anything... I'm not fussy

Grandmother: What can you eat now?

Me: I eat everything

Grandmother: Oh... you eat everything? How's your weight now?

Really?! I eat like a normal human being so I must be fat again??

Why did I eat so much?

Googled "Why did I eat so much"... was not disappointed with the results.

I feel you little guy, I feel you.

Watch what you eat

A few weeks ago my trainer said to me "You're going to have to watch what you eat soon."

My immediate reaction... What do you MEAN watch what I eat? What do you think I've been doing this whole time?? 

But then I realised... I really do need to take a good look at my diet. Even though I'm a healthy body weight, it doesn't mean that I'm healthy. My boyfriend and I buy brownie ice cream and sugar cones. I buy a french loaf and eat almost the whole thing in a day. If I'm ever going to achieve my body goals I need to look at the crap I'm putting in my body on a daily basis.

I know I could never go cold turkey on junk food... but I can definitely be more mindful. No more brownie in a mug at midnight. No more pizza after a night of drinking. It's time to take control of my food and my health.

Weight Watchers

This morning I was doing group training and someone asked how much I've lost. I said 28kgs. She said, "Wow, that's like half of you!" And then I realised... Shit she's right! I weigh double that amount. 

It's both a scary and wonderful thought. Wonderful because damn, I lost a lot of weight... and scary because, well, I was carrying all that baggage before.

The journey started when I decided to tag along with a friend to her Weight Watchers meeting. At the time I honestly didn't have any faith in myself - I thought I wouldn't even lose 5kgs. I took it slow, without expectations, and was pleasantly surprised with the results each week.

The beauty of the Weight Watchers eating plan is that everything is allowed. You want chocolate? Have it. Just do it in moderation and track what you eat. That being said, I've never been too strict about the eating plan. I took the lessons they taught me and applied it to my life.

Fast forward a year and a half... I'm still going to weigh-in every Monday afternoon. I like being accountable to someone - it's reassuring to know there's something to keep me in check. Every week we get a motivational hand-out, and every week I read it, grasp it, and try to apply it.

I'm not saying Weight Watchers is for everyone... For me, it was a way to come to terms with my eating habits. The program showed me how unhealthy my old habits were, how I could change them, and how I could live a life of eating well without restriction.

Old Habits

Sometimes I feel like I haven't learnt anything. I've lost almost 30kgs. I've changed my eating habits. I eat more veggies now. I eat seeded bread. I eat BEANS (13-year-old me would have shuddered at the thought) And yet... I still find myself making some of the bad decisions I've always done.

Today, after a big helping of dinner, I ate chocolate chips right out the box. Chocolate chips! It's not even a dessert! It's for baking damnit, not for stuffing in your face at hyper speed. To my knowledge there was no good reason for this shameful binge - I'm not upset, I didn't have a bad day, I don't think I was even craving sweets. It was just there and I had it.

Perhaps sometimes, when we're not vigilant, we fall back into our old habits. My old habit is being a Constant Craver and I just want to eat non-stop. There's something ridiculously familiar and comforting about that motion of hand-to-mouth. Then, once I've stopped, I get another familiar feeling - one of disappointment and shame. I get so mad at myself because, even though I've lost all this weight, I've still got this great big belly I'm trying to get rid of. They say abs are made in the kitchen, not the gym - well I've eaten the whole damn kitchen, now what?

As always, I think the only thing to do is pick yourself back up, shake off the dust (and cookie crumbs) and start over.

The Fat Kid

My dad has a penchant for milestone birthday videos. He has no skaam about what pictures to include in the video - three-year-old you in the bathtub, in bed wearing your rattiest holey t-shirt, and of course, that picture taken from a bad angle where you have like, three chins.

Today is my uncle's birthday so my dad put together pictures of him from childhood to now. I had never seen young versions of my aunt and uncle so it was an eye-opening experience. What I noticed is that most of my family members were quite skinny and gradually started to put on weight over time. I, on the other hand, was a fat child. I also started putting on more weight over time, but I was definitely fat from the start.

I can remember in Grade 1, this bitch Teval told me I couldn't play catches with her group because I was too fat. I don't remember much from age 5, but that has stuck with me all these years. It makes me wonder how my life would have been different if I wasn't always the fat girl in class. I can imagine I would have had more confidence... perhaps I would have played more sports... maybe I would have had better luck with boys... who knows what could have happened. The reality is, being fat made me unhappy, being unhappy made me eat, and eating made me fat - the cycle was never-ending.

We can't relive or change the past, but we can take control of our emotions. Being fat left me with a deep sense of distrust and vulnerability. You constantly feel like people are laughing at you, that you're worthless, and that no-one will ever want you. It still affects my relationships today. I am trying to let go of those thoughts. I often feel like I've gotten rid of them and that I'm a new confident woman, but then something happens to trigger those feelings and all the memories come flooding back.

It's just another struggle that you have to work on every single day - learning to trust people, to stop being cold and distant with strangers, to view yourself as strong and beautiful.


PS: I didn't abandon the Salad Challenge, I just haven't had time to post :)

The 5-Day Salad Challenge

After yesterday's abominable food decisions, I've decided to be a little more proactive and make sure I have ready-made meals for the week. The artery-clogging takeaway from yesterday has left me craving my greens so I'm posing a challenge to myself - to create different types of salads for at least 5 meals this week. That means any type of salad - cold, warm, asian, fruit, in a roll, on toast - anything goes.

Salad Challenge Day 1: 

Chilli Tuna Salad Wraps

Ingredients:

- 1 can of shredded tuna

- 1 medium carrot, grated

- 1 handful of lettuce leaves, shredded

- 1/4 avocado, chopped

- 1 heaped tsp low fat mayo

- 2 heaped tsp fat free plain yogurt
- 1 tsp lemon juice

- 1 chilli, finely chopped

- 1 whole grain wrap

Method:

Combine all your ingredients in a bowl. Place the mixture in the centre of the wrap, fold over, and cut in half. Tip: I only put the filling in my wrap at lunch time to prevent the whole thing from getting soggy.

When does it end?

I dropped two kilos this week, but I don't see it as a victory.

I practiced mindful eating, and it was amazing because I got full so quickly, but it was also horrible because it forced me to be alone with my thoughts. I'm realising that one of the main reasons I (and so many others) eat in front of the telly or PC, is because it distracts you from loneliness. For almost every meal this weekend, I laid out the table, sat alone, and slowly ate my food. It got to a point that I didn't even want to eat because I didn't want to experience that soul-crushing sense of emptiness. By Sunday, I had half a brownie for dinner and went straight to bed.

It makes me wonder... when will this journey be over? I've enjoyed a lot of it, but there are moments such as this where I wish I could just switch it off and be normal again. This weekend, for whatever reason, I pushed myself way too hard at gym. I was sore and broken and I kept on going. Is this to be my life forever? Constantly pushing harder and harder trying to reach an unattainable goal? Most of the time I'm so happy and content with my progress... and then I see not one, but TWO girls at gym with crop tops and perfectly sculpted abs. (Seriously, bitch? Stop flaunting your perfect body in front of me) I look at how much time and effort it's going to take me to get to that level and it feels impossible.

Early Sunday morning, as I was putting on a load of laundry and doing other household chores, my room mate arrived back from a night of partying. I stopped drinking because they're empty calories, I don't stay out too late so that I can gym the next morning, I turn down events because I feel out of place, and I wonder if it is all worth it.

Mindful Eating

 Pic: freeimages.com

When I was a child, I got banned from watching TV while eating breakfast because it would take me about an hour to eat half a bowl of chocos. Pepper-Ann and Doug were so enthralling that I forgot to eat. (Who does that? Forget to eat? The idea is ludicrous!)

Now I have the exact opposite problem. I can sit watching an episode of QI and next minute I realise all my food is gone. (What did it even taste like? I can barely remember)

So this week I'm trying to put a new way of eating into practice: Mindful Eating
This means you really have to take note of everything going on your plate from prep to finishing off the last bite. A few guidelines:

• Your main meal should have a protein and at least two veg. I struggle with this because when I think 'dinner' my mind immediately jumps to pasta, rice, roasted potatoes, more pasta. What I've tried to do this week is only buy protein and veg. If it's in the fridge, you have to eat it.
• No eating in front of the TV. My GOD I struggle with this. When you're eating alone what the hell else do you have to do? Will update you if I ever win this battle.
• Put your knife and fork down in between mouthfuls. This is such a simple one but I've never thought about it before. If you keep pausing between bites, your brain has more time to register that you're full.
• Don't go for seconds. THIS is a tough one, especially when you're at dinner parties or family gatherings. If you're at a buffet, you have to survey all the items, dish up what you want, and stick to that portion. It's tough at first, but you'll notice you're actually full from that first serving.
  
  

The idea is to eat slowly and savour the flavour of each bite of food. I've discovered it's incredibly difficult, but it's an interesting challenge in terms of self-discipline. Oh and another thing - if you don't like something, don't eat it! This seems like a reasonable assumption but I don't know how many times I've found myself chowing chips or a McD hamburger and thinking "this tastes gross" but carrying on. So learn from my mistakes and be mindful of everything you eat :)

Thanks Weight Watchers for these awesome tips!