Holiday Guilt

I went to my first spin class of the year on Thursday and was, of course, exhausted about 10 minutes in.

At the end of the class, the instructor said something really interesting. He said everyone is so tired because we're feeling guilty about the food we ate over the holidays. At first this seemed like complete gibberish (like what do YOU know about what I've eaten) but then he explained. He said we're spending so much of our energy on guilt and negativity that it's sapping our energy levels to do other things. We think that working out is just about physical energy but it's affected by emotional energy as well. Given that I felt guilty throughout the holidays, I think his theory has some validity.

I am so ashamed to admit that I am going back to Weight Watchers this week. From the end of last year, my eating (or rather, my constant snacking) was getting out of control and took a turn for the worst in the December holidays. My heart jumped out my chest when I got on the scale just after Christmas and found that I was 5 kilos heavier than my goal weight. My stomach was so big that for a second I honestly thought I could be pregnant.

I feel like a complete failure for not being able to maintain my weight. It feels like I've thrown all my hard work in the garbage. It seems like I've moved 5 steps back.

Thankfully, since getting home and going back to my normal routine, I'm only 3 kilos over my goal weight. However, I still feel fat, my jeans are still tight, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'm determined to get back to my goal this year but, as I've stated so many times before, every day is a struggle. I've watched a lot of documentaries where they say food is an addiction. I never really understood that until now. I eat constantly. Not because I'm hungry, not because I'm sad, I just eat to eat. I'm finally understanding the depths of the situation that weight loss maintenance is a lifelong battle.

Maintenance Update #2

I've been struggling to write this post because everything I think of sounds terrible. I've been re-reading my old posts and, to be honest, 6 months later I still feel the same. As one of my New Year resolutions, I said I would only step on the scale on Fridays. Guess what? After the last maintenance update I've been checking my weight every single day. If you're following my insta account, then you know my body fat percentage has gone from 22% in December to 25% in May. Not only was this hugely demotivating, but it made me paranoid that I'm moving backwards on this journey. My goal is still a body fat percentage of 20 (and I feel confident that I will reach it eventually) but every day is a struggle - often mingled with feelings of anxiety and guilt.

I still feel like I'm fat (or at least fatter than most people). Why is it that other people - who weigh the same as me or even more - have a completely flat stomach and I still have a flabby muffin top? I know we all have different bodies, but really? This seems unfair. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how long it will take to undo 25 years of damage. Will I ever reach my goals?

Sometimes the most unexpected things upset me the most. When a friend says "you're so lame" after I refuse a shot. When a family member says "you're taking this too far". I might be overly sensitive, but those words play on my mind. I start to wonder if they're right... I wake up at 5 for gym and finish work at 6. I cook, I do dishes, I go to sleep. Repeat. I start to question what my life has become - Am I boring now? What do I do with my time? Do my friends even like me? I realise that many people won't understand my journey - and that's fine - but it still hurts when what I deem hard work is met with criticism and disdain.

What did I tell you? It all sounds terrible. It sounds as if between cooking, work, and the gym, I sit in my room weeping. This is not the case. After maintaining my goal weight for 6 months... I'm proud. I'm confident. I celebrate small victories.

I'm really happy with how my relationship with food has changed. It's the little things that I'm most proud of: knowing that I need a colourful plate of food with 50% veggies, eating a big breakfast full of healthy protein. I've changed my frame of mind from a life of indulgence to a life of balance. Well, I'm slowly getting there at least. I'm trying to eat when I'm hungry and not when I'm stressed, and not when I'm bored. I fail miserably a lot of the time but, the point is, I'm more aware of it now.

I like how I'm pushing my body. People love to comment "oh you're taking it too far, you're pushing yourself too much" but I'm doing things with my body that I never thought was possible for me. I never thought I'd start pole dancing, hanging upside down, and holding on for dear life with the back of my leg. It makes me feel brave and in control of my own life, and I think that's what people don't understand. My friends and family see it as fitness taking over my life, but I see it as me taking back control of my own health, body, and fitness.

I have this stuck on my fridge: Don't be scared to be alone. Goals are personal. No matter what issues I have regarding my family, my friends or my body image... I'm stronger than I was 6 months ago, I'm pushing harder, and that's all that matters.

Annoying things people say #6

A few weeks ago, I went to Durban for my uncle's 60th birthday. There were over 200 people in attendance so, needless to say, I hadn't seen some people for many years.

If you've read any of my other "annoying things" rants, then you know that people in Durban grind my gears. There must be something in the water that makes people say things that are just not okay. A brief snapshot:

Scene 1:

Dad's friend: So you're still training? When are you going to stop?

Me: Never, it's a part of my life now.

Dad's friend: But you've reached your peak. Aren't you getting obsessed now?

Scene 2:

Mom's friend: You look so beautiful, I can't get over it. You look like a completely different person!

Scene 3: 

Aunt: So how's your diet going?

Me: (at this point starting to lose my cool) I'm not on a diet.

Aunt: But you know what I mean, are you still on your eating plan?

Me: I'm not on an eating plan, this is my life. I eat like a normal person.

Aunt: Well you still look good so you must still be on your eating plan.

Scene 4: 

Everyone: You mustn't lose any more weight now.

Did I ask for your damn opinion?

Maintenance Update

Since reaching my weight goal almost two months ago, I've put on almost two kilos.
I'm not trying to make excuses, but I believe this weight gain can be attributed to two major changes in my life:

1. I changed jobs

The new job is very demanding. Long hours, tight deadlines. I've been eating a LOT of snacks and especially sugary foods to pick me up at 5pm.

I only get home at 6.30 (at best). This means I cook late, eat late, and then sleep on a full stomach. It's the WORST thing you can do for weight maintenance - or even your health in general.

2. I've been doing weight training 5 days a week

This isn't permanent, thank god. Since January, my trainer has wanted us to get our strength back (post-festive season) and move up a level (get off the plateau). This means I've been getting up at 5 almost every single day to do strength training... and THAT means no time or energy for cardio.

I'm sad that I haven't quite managed to maintain my goal weight, but I'm happy I've recognized and addressed my issues before it can get any worse. By the end of March I'll be back to my evening cardio routine, and I plan to stop eating carbs past 5pm.

I've discovered how hard it can be to maintain your weight when you're super stressed - I get out of a 3 hour meeting and just want to stuff my face with all the carby sugary cheesy goodness this universe has to offer. You forget all your goals, you forget you're trying to stay healthy - all that your heart desires is to drown your problems in decadent indulgence. I have a long journey ahead of me and a LOT of learning to do.

What's your name again?

So there I am walking through the camp site of a local trance festival...

Me: Hey!! Devon! How are you??

Devon: Oh hey... I'm good, how are you?

Me: I'm great! *goes in for the hug*

[mid hug]

Devon: Sorry, what's your name again?

Me: Nikita

Devon: Nikita... OH! Craig's room mate Nikita! You look amazing! I didn't recognize you at all! I just thought you were one of those festival chicks!

New Year Resolutions

This week was my very last day at Weight Watchers. After you've reached your goal weight, you have to maintain it for 6 weeks to become a lifetime member. By some miracle, I have managed to maintain 54.8kg through a holiday of hotel buffets, very little exercise, and New Year's indulgence.

 

What better way to kick off the new year? Starting the year at a happy, healthy goal weight...
My immediate feeling, however, was not one of elation, but rather of fear. I've spent exactly two years of my life on Weight Watchers. Every Monday afternoon I would attend a weigh-in wearing the lightest clothing I could find and get on the scale with fingers crossed. What do I do now? How do I proceed to live a normal life?

I'm not usually one for new year's resolutions, but this year I'm making an exception. To help maintain my weight (and keep my sanity) I'm setting new goals to work towards. For starters, I want to change my habits at the gym. When I was still trying to lose, I would compulsively get on the scale every single day. I would get on pre-workout, post-workout, post-pee... I tried desperately to change the numbers flashing at me. So this year I'm only stepping on the scale on Fridays.

I'm also endeavouring to put more effort into my appearance. What's the use in losing all this weight but still keep my outdated baggy clothing? I'm trying to make calculated decisions when it comes to clothing purchases - no more baggy dresses, no more lace, no more drab colours. I'm trying to start a whole new wardrobe of mature, well-fitted clothing that will make me feel as different as I look.

My journey to clean eating has been a slow but steady process. Every now and then I'll stuff my face with oily, salty goodness (often referred to as chips), but for the most part I eat pretty well. Clean eating means avoiding refined, processed foods and rather eating real whole foods like lean proteins, whole grains, and plenty fruit and veg. This wonderful woman Shira Bocar is the goddess of delicious clean recipes and I hope to cook more like her this year.

Lastly, I have two main fitness goals:
1. To do a full wide-armed pull up without assistance.
2. To do a free handstand without the wall.
Seems easy enough? Well, it's not. You go try that handstand. It's a bitch.

7 Unexpectedly AWFUL things that happen when you lose weight

It's not all sunshine and roses on the other side.

1. You are more aware of your body and it's flaws than ever before. Before I lost the weight, I was just fat... there was nothing else wrong with me. Now I see the flabby arms, the wobbly belly, the stretch marks. Even on my skinny legs I see the fat when I'm sitting cross-legged.

2. You will need a push up bra. These holidays my mother said to me, "God you really are flat now." Thanks... real confidence-booster, Mom.

3. Your relationships change. The moment my ex said "I'm not making fitness a priority anymore" I knew we no longer had anything in common. I really enjoyed working out together as a couple and he just thought it was boring.

4. You overthink every compliment you get. "You look great now!" Wait, how the hell did I look before?

5. You start to feel that your weight loss is your only worth. My current whatsapp profile picture is one of me scuba diving. A friend commented on it - not about my experience scuba diving, not that it's a nice picture. What did she say? "Where was this taken? Your legs are so thin."

6. People think it's their right and their job to tell you what to do with your body. A really close friend of mine just won't let it go - apparently my ears look big now, my face looks gaunt, I'm taking the weight loss too far, and if I put on 10 kilos then I'll be perfect. I'm sorry you feel that way but it's MY body and I'm going to do what I want.

7. People think you're not as fun as you used to be - I don't really drink anymore, I sleep early, I make gym a priority on Saturday morning. For most people, that means you're boring as fuck.

Shape magazine perfectly summarised these feelings in their article 6 Stages of Weight Loss Grief

5 Unexpected things that happen when you lose weight

1. Certain food and drinks are too sweet for you now. I can NOT drink ciders or my old poison rum & coke. It's like eating sugar straight up.

2. Your clothes don't fit anymore. Yes, this one is obvious, but it still comes as a surprise! No matter how much you desperately cling to your favourites, you have to let them go sometime.

3. Even your rings and shoes no longer fit. Who knew you lost fat in your fingers?!

4. You feel the damn cold. All that blubber insulation is gone.

5. You can't stop checking out your muscles. Okay, so I don't have big scary guns or anything... but I have very defined calves and thighs. When your teenage cousin says, "Geez Nik, your legs are so dak!" then you must know.

My recent feature in BONA magazine. Aaaalll the legs.

You don't look like the sporty type

I have a... let's say, an interesting relationship with my boyfriend's mother. She's a lovely woman - very accepting of me, very kind and helpful, and of course, she must have done a great job raising her son for me to want to date him. However, there are certain things she says that make me wonder what she really thinks of me. For the purpose of this post, let's call her MIL (mother-in-law).

Case 1

BF: Niki and I are going rock climbing.

MIL: Oh that's so nice that you try things Paul likes. You don't look very sporty, more of an arty-farty type.

Pause - Is arty-farty a euphemism for fat?!


Case 2

BF: Sooo... my mom was clearing her closet and asked if you want this?

*sends photo of oversized printed waist-coat thing*

Me: Ummm... tell her I said thank you for thinking of me, but it's not really my style.

BF: I tried it on, it's HUGE.

Now is it just me... or does she think of me as a heffer?

Annoying things people say #5

So I'm walking out the gym after pilates and a swim, and the receptionist stops me.

Receptionist: Can I ask you something... you've lost a lot of weight, right?

Me: Yeah

Receptionist: So, how did you do it?

Me: Umm... well I'm here every day...

Receptionist: That's all?

Me: I've been eating healthier as well.

Receptionist: So no pills or anything??

You WORK at the gym, crazy lady. You know I'm here EVERY day. Why on earth would I be gyming my butt off if I were taking pills? Exercise and healthy eating - the commandments of weight loss - why would you believe otherwise?

30 Kilos Later

I've always been fat. I grew up as a squishy chubby-cheeked little girl and continued to gain more weight as I got older. I remember being teased by a class member in Grade 1. I remember dreading my visits to Little Gem for uniforms at the beginning of the school year... knowing I had to go two sizes up. I remember feeling like I was different from other people. 

Growing up larger than most, you develop a lot of strengths. You make a lot of friends, you develop your personality, you learn how to cope on your own. You also develop defenses - in your relationships, your fears, in the way you picture your future.

I honestly never thought I would or could ever lose this much weight. I never thought I'd start running. I never thought I'd be wearing shorts and sleeveless shirts. 

When I first started losing weight, I didn't have any expectations. I set a goal of 10% of my body weight and thought I would be happy with just that. Once I lost the first 10kgs... I knew I could do more. I realised I had the potential and the drive to lose much more weight. 

This week I reached the 30kg mark. I'm amazed. I have collar bones I never knew existed. After almost two years, I've reached a body weight I deem 'normal'. This is usually the part where you say "Thanks to the support of xyz I was able to this".

No. I did this all on my own. No-one cooked me healthy food, no-one forced me to go to gym, no-one held my hand. I own this achievement. 

For anyone out there trying to lose weight, I want you to know the truth - there are two sides to this coin. Firstly, losing weight does not make you happy. You feel lighter, healthier, more energetic - but it cannot make you happier. Over the last two years, I've had to come to terms with my emotional issues regarding weight and weight loss. It seems that sometimes your fat issues are simply replaced by new ones. Sometimes when people tell me how good I look, I can't help but think how awful I must have looked before. I step on the scale every. single. day. My stress about looking fat has been replaced by the fear of getting fat again.

That said, losing weight is also liberating. I'm no longer scared of doing sports or adventure activities. I can go to the shops and buy any clothing I like. I'm a more confident and brave person. Losing weight is a true test of your strength and determination. It's not as simple as "eat less, exercise more" - there's emotions, temptations, peer pressure, self-loathing... the list is endless. Weight loss has taught me to just deal with one day at a time - You messed up? It's fine, start over tomorrow. Progress is far greater than perfection.

Just focus on today

One of the hardest parts about being a weight loss veteran is trying to help people who are struggling when I haven't got it all figured out either. This morning my friend Micaela anxiously messaged asking if her weight loss efforts are ever going to pay off.

For a while I wasn't sure what to say. How do you reassure someone that everything will be okay? How do you make them understand that change doesn't happen in a day? How do you explain that, even after two years, it still isn't easy?

Then I remembered a video from my favourite blogger, Andie Mitchell. In a TEDx talk, she recalls a story where a sponsor asks "Do you think you can make it to the end of today? Forget tomorrow, forget next week, just focus on making it through today".

I completely forgot about how important those words are. This week I've been struggling with emotional eating - fluctuations between boredom and stress have resulted in mass consumption of Lays chips and ice cream. I'll put on a kilo and get in a tizzy thinking I'm sliding back into my old ways. This reminder from Andie came exactly at the right time.

I discovered this wonderful lady Andie Mitchell when I came across her post "What I miss from 135lbs ago". Her feelings are my feelings. She has an incredible gift of expressing her emotions and experiences in words - and you can relate to all of it. She inspired me to start this blog, and to try to express myself as she does.

So I reminded Micaela: You need to just focus on today. Don't worry about how much weight you will lose and when... Just focus on being healthy today. 

Annoying things people say #4

Friend: Oh my god Susan's lost so much weight!

Me: Yeah I know, she looks really good.

Friend: She was starving herself though, she'll put it back on in a year.

Sorry, what?

I felt my blood boiling and my face getting hot. I jumped across the table like an animal and pounced on my friend. While yanking her hair furiously, I yelled in my loudest banshee shriek "HOW DARE YOU UNDERMINE SUSAN'S JOURNEY?!"

Well, I wanted to do that.

Instead, I quietly reflected on what she'd just said. Are you saying she's weak? Are you saying she can't stick to her goals? Are you saying her journey is pointless? Are you saying I'M going to put all the weight back on in a year? Are you saying MY struggle has been worthless?

Previously, I too would have scoffed at Susan's weight loss attempts... but now I understand the struggle. I know how much effort and dedication it takes. I know how much emotional turmoil you go through. I know how much you need support rather than criticism. I know how much those hurtful words can eat away at your confidence. All I really want to say is: please stop shaming each other. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Weight Watchers

This morning I was doing group training and someone asked how much I've lost. I said 28kgs. She said, "Wow, that's like half of you!" And then I realised... Shit she's right! I weigh double that amount. 

It's both a scary and wonderful thought. Wonderful because damn, I lost a lot of weight... and scary because, well, I was carrying all that baggage before.

The journey started when I decided to tag along with a friend to her Weight Watchers meeting. At the time I honestly didn't have any faith in myself - I thought I wouldn't even lose 5kgs. I took it slow, without expectations, and was pleasantly surprised with the results each week.

The beauty of the Weight Watchers eating plan is that everything is allowed. You want chocolate? Have it. Just do it in moderation and track what you eat. That being said, I've never been too strict about the eating plan. I took the lessons they taught me and applied it to my life.

Fast forward a year and a half... I'm still going to weigh-in every Monday afternoon. I like being accountable to someone - it's reassuring to know there's something to keep me in check. Every week we get a motivational hand-out, and every week I read it, grasp it, and try to apply it.

I'm not saying Weight Watchers is for everyone... For me, it was a way to come to terms with my eating habits. The program showed me how unhealthy my old habits were, how I could change them, and how I could live a life of eating well without restriction.

Fitness Goals

Yesterday I had my third fitness assessment and I am so so happy with the results. Some things haven't changed much - my arm size went from 11 inches to 10. Yup, still got those jiggly Oprah arms. However, some things have changed...

My body fat percentage went from 39.1 to 27.5. My resting heart rate went from 80 to 60. My water percentage went from 43.4 to 50.9. These are massive amazing changes that you can't see when you look at the exterior. Setting fitness goals has taught me that it's really not about the number on the scale or even the centimeters lost. It's about getting fitter, faster, stronger, and loving how it makes you feel.

Click the pic to expand

At my very first session 8 months ago, my trainer Daniella told me to set goals to work towards - goals that have absolutely nothing to do with the scale. Perhaps you want to fit into that dress you bought three years ago and never wore again. Perhaps you want to run a half marathon. Find something to work towards that doesn't involve you hopping on the scale every morning praying the numbers go down.

Fitness goals are about slow and steady progress. Getting stronger one day at a time.

Home is where the food is

I put on a kilo in a week. How did I do it? Did I eat my weight in cake? No. I went home for the weekend.

I always go home with the intention of sticking to my healthy eating plan... but did I do that this time? As soon as I entered the house, I ate two big pieces of quiche. Just like that. There's something about being home that makes me want to eat and eat until I'm bursting at the seams... and then eat some more. One major problem is that my great big Indian family often shows love through food. Suppose I went to my grandmother's house and refused to eat the rich delicious meal she lovingly slaved over for hours? The correct answer is: It would not go down well. Each family member you visit expects you to share a meal with them. They bake something special just for you because they know you like it. They want to see the joy on your face when you eat and to know you had a good time with them. This is the joy, and the curse, of being at home.

I realise now that if I hadn't left home, I honestly wouldn't have had the strength to lose weight. Living on my own in Jhb, I have managed to keep a healthy environment. When I do buy junk food, I keep it to single serving portions. The last time I went home, my mom baked a tray of triple chocolate brownies. I pinched a slice every. single. time. I passed the kitchen. When you're in a shared living space, you can't expect other people to ban junk food or to restrict themselves because of you. You have to learn to live with the everyday-temptations and grow your own personal strength.

I failed this time, but next time I go home I'm going to exercise restraint. If I know I'm going out for a big supper, I'm going to have a light lunch. If someone makes brownies, I'm going to have one, not the entire tray. Every day is a challenge, and every good choice is a victory.

One more thing about being home... people exaggerate. Like, a lot. Someone said to me "You lost so much weight, you're the size of your sister now," to which I reply NO! I lost weight, not my damn eyesight! 

The Fat Kid

My dad has a penchant for milestone birthday videos. He has no skaam about what pictures to include in the video - three-year-old you in the bathtub, in bed wearing your rattiest holey t-shirt, and of course, that picture taken from a bad angle where you have like, three chins.

Today is my uncle's birthday so my dad put together pictures of him from childhood to now. I had never seen young versions of my aunt and uncle so it was an eye-opening experience. What I noticed is that most of my family members were quite skinny and gradually started to put on weight over time. I, on the other hand, was a fat child. I also started putting on more weight over time, but I was definitely fat from the start.

I can remember in Grade 1, this bitch Teval told me I couldn't play catches with her group because I was too fat. I don't remember much from age 5, but that has stuck with me all these years. It makes me wonder how my life would have been different if I wasn't always the fat girl in class. I can imagine I would have had more confidence... perhaps I would have played more sports... maybe I would have had better luck with boys... who knows what could have happened. The reality is, being fat made me unhappy, being unhappy made me eat, and eating made me fat - the cycle was never-ending.

We can't relive or change the past, but we can take control of our emotions. Being fat left me with a deep sense of distrust and vulnerability. You constantly feel like people are laughing at you, that you're worthless, and that no-one will ever want you. It still affects my relationships today. I am trying to let go of those thoughts. I often feel like I've gotten rid of them and that I'm a new confident woman, but then something happens to trigger those feelings and all the memories come flooding back.

It's just another struggle that you have to work on every single day - learning to trust people, to stop being cold and distant with strangers, to view yourself as strong and beautiful.


PS: I didn't abandon the Salad Challenge, I just haven't had time to post :)

Annoying things people say: GRANDMA EDITION

As people get older, they start to lose a lot of senses. They lose their hearing, their eyesight, and then some people completely lose the ability to hold their tongue. My granny says whatever inappropriate comments come to mind, but we love her for it.

Granny: Oh Nikita you're looking so good!

Me: Ah thanks Dadima...

Granny: Do you want a chocolate?

Me: Oh I met ***** yesterday...
Granny: I don't like that girl.

Granny: Please, have some more!

Me: No no, Dadima, it was delicious but I can't eat anymore.

Granny: What, you don't like my food?

Granny: You know your sister has gotten fat!

Me: Tasha is so skinny!

Granny: Ya, but she's put on weight.

Lady: Hi Bhindoo, how are you?

Granny: Sorry, I don't remember you...

Lady: I used to be the secretary at the office.

Granny: Oh yes! I couldn't recognise you because you got so fat.

Granny: You've gotten fat hey. Now come have lunch.
Tasha: No, you just said I'm fat!
Granny: Noooo I didn't say that.. you must eat.

In the summer...
Granny: Why have you gotten so dark? You used to be so fair