Monday Lunchbox: Tuna with Green Salad

This salad is my new obsession. There's something about the bitter greens combined with the sweet dressing that makes me drool as we speak. 

Ingredients:

- 1 cup mixed salad leaves, shredded

- 1/4 cup watercress

- 1/4 cup cucumber, chopped

- 1/4 avo, sliced

- a few slivers of onion, finely sliced

- a chunk of feta, chopped

Layer all the ingredients, keeping the avo on top so it doesn't get pulverised under the salad. The magic ingredient is this beautiful Sweet Balsamic Vinaigrette from food.com. Keep the dressing in a separate container to pour on at work - this will prevent the leaves from getting soggy and wilting. Enjoy! :)

Are you happy now?

Pic: freeimages.com

A few weeks ago, I bumped into a work colleague at Woolies. It was somewhat awkward because all I had in my shopping basket was a lonely cucumber.

Colleague: Nikita! Is that all you're having for lunch??
*eyes me as if I'm going anorexic*

Me: No, no... this is for something else.

Colleague: You've lost so much more weight.

Me: Haha... (always awkward)

Colleague: Are you happy now?

Excuse the rant but... WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? Am I HAPPY?! In what world do you live in where skinny equates happiness? And was I supposed to have been a miserable pudgy mess when I was fatter? Do you picture me crying on my bed stuffing my face with oreos while lamenting my double chin and fat rolls? Do you think if you lose weight you'll be happier?

But... maybe I misunderstood.

Maybe she meant "are you happy with your weight now?" to which I would still reply WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? Do you go around asking everyone if they're happy with their weight? Is that what you consider polite small talk amongst colleagues? Is anyone happy with their weight?

Excluding a minuscule few, who fully embrace their love handles and muffin top, the rest of us aren't happy. It doesn't mean we don't value ourselves or that we hate our bodies... We simply want to improve, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. We aim for progress, not perfection.

The Fat Mindset

When I used to go shopping, I would look through a variety of shirts and try to find the largest size. A lot of retailers only stock a max size 12 or 14 so I often found it very hard to find clothes that fit, let alone look good. The worst was when an item of clothing is simply labelled "large" – what the heck does that mean?! More often than not, it meant it's not going to fit me.

Once I started losing weight, I still went straight to the large sizes. I was still looking for the loose-fitting dresses and pants that could hide my stomach. My mindset hadn't yet adapted to my changing body.

On Friday while shopping, I found a nice long sleeve t-shirt. Looking at the large, I decided it was definitely too big for me. I picked up medium and small, eyeing them both with furrowed eyebrows. I took both to the changing room to try my luck. The medium felt great, comfy and loose-fitting. Then I put on the small - also comfy, but more fitted. At that point I realised I have no idea what size I am. Not only that, I have no idea how clothes are meant to fit. I'm so used to a baggy fit that I don't know what's normal anymore.

Being fat is a mindset, and it's so incredibly difficult to shake that perspective. With clothing, you have to find items that will hide your body... and the same goes for interactions with people. You often try your best to stay under the radar. If I was out with friends and someone approached the group, I would assume he was only talking to me to get introduced to one of the other girls. In my mind, I would feel offended and create a wall of aloof rudeness to make the situation just go away.

I am only now becoming more aware of the deep-seated feelings of vulnerability, anxiety, and shame that comes with a life of fat. I think you have to open yourself up to acknowledge the emotions, feel them, and let them go. Nothing good ever comes from bottling your feelings.

I know... easier said than done. Believe me, I still walk into a room and think I'm the fattest person there. I still freak out every time my boyfriend picks me up, thinking he's going to collapse under my weight. I still look at myself naked in the mirror and think "you're disgusting". Losing weight won't take those thoughts and feelings away. You have to work on that yourself.

The Awkward Gym Diaries

Sometimes your brain just doesn't work...

Me: So what do you normally do for breakfast?

Trainer: I have something small at home and then I eat again at gym.

Me: Oh ok cool, I usually do that when I have the runs.

Trainer: *Looks at me quizzically*

Wait, what did I just say?

Me: Oh my GOD I meant when I GO for a run!!