Holiday Guilt

I went to my first spin class of the year on Thursday and was, of course, exhausted about 10 minutes in.

At the end of the class, the instructor said something really interesting. He said everyone is so tired because we're feeling guilty about the food we ate over the holidays. At first this seemed like complete gibberish (like what do YOU know about what I've eaten) but then he explained. He said we're spending so much of our energy on guilt and negativity that it's sapping our energy levels to do other things. We think that working out is just about physical energy but it's affected by emotional energy as well. Given that I felt guilty throughout the holidays, I think his theory has some validity.

I am so ashamed to admit that I am going back to Weight Watchers this week. From the end of last year, my eating (or rather, my constant snacking) was getting out of control and took a turn for the worst in the December holidays. My heart jumped out my chest when I got on the scale just after Christmas and found that I was 5 kilos heavier than my goal weight. My stomach was so big that for a second I honestly thought I could be pregnant.

I feel like a complete failure for not being able to maintain my weight. It feels like I've thrown all my hard work in the garbage. It seems like I've moved 5 steps back.

Thankfully, since getting home and going back to my normal routine, I'm only 3 kilos over my goal weight. However, I still feel fat, my jeans are still tight, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'm determined to get back to my goal this year but, as I've stated so many times before, every day is a struggle. I've watched a lot of documentaries where they say food is an addiction. I never really understood that until now. I eat constantly. Not because I'm hungry, not because I'm sad, I just eat to eat. I'm finally understanding the depths of the situation that weight loss maintenance is a lifelong battle.

Frankenstein food

Today is a public holiday and I'm currently sitting at the office, working on projects due tomorrow. In what could only have been a self-loathing, self-pitying fury, I ate an entire large packet of chips. They're called Chipi Multigrain Chips (basically a rip-off of Pringles) and they are - what Weight Watchers would call - my frankenstein food. 

Frankenstein foods are those terrible snacky-type foods that are impossible to stop eating at just one. We all have a particular weakness... and mine happens to be bizarre discount chips from Dischem.

Needless to say... I feel quite ill now.

New Year Resolutions

This week was my very last day at Weight Watchers. After you've reached your goal weight, you have to maintain it for 6 weeks to become a lifetime member. By some miracle, I have managed to maintain 54.8kg through a holiday of hotel buffets, very little exercise, and New Year's indulgence.

 

What better way to kick off the new year? Starting the year at a happy, healthy goal weight...
My immediate feeling, however, was not one of elation, but rather of fear. I've spent exactly two years of my life on Weight Watchers. Every Monday afternoon I would attend a weigh-in wearing the lightest clothing I could find and get on the scale with fingers crossed. What do I do now? How do I proceed to live a normal life?

I'm not usually one for new year's resolutions, but this year I'm making an exception. To help maintain my weight (and keep my sanity) I'm setting new goals to work towards. For starters, I want to change my habits at the gym. When I was still trying to lose, I would compulsively get on the scale every single day. I would get on pre-workout, post-workout, post-pee... I tried desperately to change the numbers flashing at me. So this year I'm only stepping on the scale on Fridays.

I'm also endeavouring to put more effort into my appearance. What's the use in losing all this weight but still keep my outdated baggy clothing? I'm trying to make calculated decisions when it comes to clothing purchases - no more baggy dresses, no more lace, no more drab colours. I'm trying to start a whole new wardrobe of mature, well-fitted clothing that will make me feel as different as I look.

My journey to clean eating has been a slow but steady process. Every now and then I'll stuff my face with oily, salty goodness (often referred to as chips), but for the most part I eat pretty well. Clean eating means avoiding refined, processed foods and rather eating real whole foods like lean proteins, whole grains, and plenty fruit and veg. This wonderful woman Shira Bocar is the goddess of delicious clean recipes and I hope to cook more like her this year.

Lastly, I have two main fitness goals:
1. To do a full wide-armed pull up without assistance.
2. To do a free handstand without the wall.
Seems easy enough? Well, it's not. You go try that handstand. It's a bitch.

Weight Watchers

This morning I was doing group training and someone asked how much I've lost. I said 28kgs. She said, "Wow, that's like half of you!" And then I realised... Shit she's right! I weigh double that amount. 

It's both a scary and wonderful thought. Wonderful because damn, I lost a lot of weight... and scary because, well, I was carrying all that baggage before.

The journey started when I decided to tag along with a friend to her Weight Watchers meeting. At the time I honestly didn't have any faith in myself - I thought I wouldn't even lose 5kgs. I took it slow, without expectations, and was pleasantly surprised with the results each week.

The beauty of the Weight Watchers eating plan is that everything is allowed. You want chocolate? Have it. Just do it in moderation and track what you eat. That being said, I've never been too strict about the eating plan. I took the lessons they taught me and applied it to my life.

Fast forward a year and a half... I'm still going to weigh-in every Monday afternoon. I like being accountable to someone - it's reassuring to know there's something to keep me in check. Every week we get a motivational hand-out, and every week I read it, grasp it, and try to apply it.

I'm not saying Weight Watchers is for everyone... For me, it was a way to come to terms with my eating habits. The program showed me how unhealthy my old habits were, how I could change them, and how I could live a life of eating well without restriction.