Holiday Guilt

I went to my first spin class of the year on Thursday and was, of course, exhausted about 10 minutes in.

At the end of the class, the instructor said something really interesting. He said everyone is so tired because we're feeling guilty about the food we ate over the holidays. At first this seemed like complete gibberish (like what do YOU know about what I've eaten) but then he explained. He said we're spending so much of our energy on guilt and negativity that it's sapping our energy levels to do other things. We think that working out is just about physical energy but it's affected by emotional energy as well. Given that I felt guilty throughout the holidays, I think his theory has some validity.

I am so ashamed to admit that I am going back to Weight Watchers this week. From the end of last year, my eating (or rather, my constant snacking) was getting out of control and took a turn for the worst in the December holidays. My heart jumped out my chest when I got on the scale just after Christmas and found that I was 5 kilos heavier than my goal weight. My stomach was so big that for a second I honestly thought I could be pregnant.

I feel like a complete failure for not being able to maintain my weight. It feels like I've thrown all my hard work in the garbage. It seems like I've moved 5 steps back.

Thankfully, since getting home and going back to my normal routine, I'm only 3 kilos over my goal weight. However, I still feel fat, my jeans are still tight, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'm determined to get back to my goal this year but, as I've stated so many times before, every day is a struggle. I've watched a lot of documentaries where they say food is an addiction. I never really understood that until now. I eat constantly. Not because I'm hungry, not because I'm sad, I just eat to eat. I'm finally understanding the depths of the situation that weight loss maintenance is a lifelong battle.

Maintenance Update #2

I've been struggling to write this post because everything I think of sounds terrible. I've been re-reading my old posts and, to be honest, 6 months later I still feel the same. As one of my New Year resolutions, I said I would only step on the scale on Fridays. Guess what? After the last maintenance update I've been checking my weight every single day. If you're following my insta account, then you know my body fat percentage has gone from 22% in December to 25% in May. Not only was this hugely demotivating, but it made me paranoid that I'm moving backwards on this journey. My goal is still a body fat percentage of 20 (and I feel confident that I will reach it eventually) but every day is a struggle - often mingled with feelings of anxiety and guilt.

I still feel like I'm fat (or at least fatter than most people). Why is it that other people - who weigh the same as me or even more - have a completely flat stomach and I still have a flabby muffin top? I know we all have different bodies, but really? This seems unfair. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how long it will take to undo 25 years of damage. Will I ever reach my goals?

Sometimes the most unexpected things upset me the most. When a friend says "you're so lame" after I refuse a shot. When a family member says "you're taking this too far". I might be overly sensitive, but those words play on my mind. I start to wonder if they're right... I wake up at 5 for gym and finish work at 6. I cook, I do dishes, I go to sleep. Repeat. I start to question what my life has become - Am I boring now? What do I do with my time? Do my friends even like me? I realise that many people won't understand my journey - and that's fine - but it still hurts when what I deem hard work is met with criticism and disdain.

What did I tell you? It all sounds terrible. It sounds as if between cooking, work, and the gym, I sit in my room weeping. This is not the case. After maintaining my goal weight for 6 months... I'm proud. I'm confident. I celebrate small victories.

I'm really happy with how my relationship with food has changed. It's the little things that I'm most proud of: knowing that I need a colourful plate of food with 50% veggies, eating a big breakfast full of healthy protein. I've changed my frame of mind from a life of indulgence to a life of balance. Well, I'm slowly getting there at least. I'm trying to eat when I'm hungry and not when I'm stressed, and not when I'm bored. I fail miserably a lot of the time but, the point is, I'm more aware of it now.

I like how I'm pushing my body. People love to comment "oh you're taking it too far, you're pushing yourself too much" but I'm doing things with my body that I never thought was possible for me. I never thought I'd start pole dancing, hanging upside down, and holding on for dear life with the back of my leg. It makes me feel brave and in control of my own life, and I think that's what people don't understand. My friends and family see it as fitness taking over my life, but I see it as me taking back control of my own health, body, and fitness.

I have this stuck on my fridge: Don't be scared to be alone. Goals are personal. No matter what issues I have regarding my family, my friends or my body image... I'm stronger than I was 6 months ago, I'm pushing harder, and that's all that matters.

Why did I eat so much?

Googled "Why did I eat so much"... was not disappointed with the results.

I feel you little guy, I feel you.

The Skinny Rules

Last week was just one of those weeks when absolutely everything was falling apart. Emotionally and physically, I was not in it. I found myself trapped in this cycle of feeling guilty, eating badly, and not attending gym. Repeat. 

The theme for this week is: GET. YOUR SHIT. TOGETHER.

I have it in big letters on my bedroom cupboard. No more wallowing in self doubt. No more eating crap. No more idle walking on the treadmill. 

Often when I need fitspiration, I'll look back at my Heart Health pins. I came across these 20 Skinny Rules which, if followed in moderation, are actually pretty good. I'm certainly not going to start force feeding myself apples and berries, but they're good indicators to live by. One thing that really sticks out for me - RULE 18: Go To Bed Hungry. Last week, I fell into that old habit of late night snacking - the WORST thing to do when you're trying to lose weight. I found it also makes me feel fat and sluggish in the morning - definitely not a good way to start the day.

So this week - no more! I'm following these skinny rules.

Old Habits

Sometimes I feel like I haven't learnt anything. I've lost almost 30kgs. I've changed my eating habits. I eat more veggies now. I eat seeded bread. I eat BEANS (13-year-old me would have shuddered at the thought) And yet... I still find myself making some of the bad decisions I've always done.

Today, after a big helping of dinner, I ate chocolate chips right out the box. Chocolate chips! It's not even a dessert! It's for baking damnit, not for stuffing in your face at hyper speed. To my knowledge there was no good reason for this shameful binge - I'm not upset, I didn't have a bad day, I don't think I was even craving sweets. It was just there and I had it.

Perhaps sometimes, when we're not vigilant, we fall back into our old habits. My old habit is being a Constant Craver and I just want to eat non-stop. There's something ridiculously familiar and comforting about that motion of hand-to-mouth. Then, once I've stopped, I get another familiar feeling - one of disappointment and shame. I get so mad at myself because, even though I've lost all this weight, I've still got this great big belly I'm trying to get rid of. They say abs are made in the kitchen, not the gym - well I've eaten the whole damn kitchen, now what?

As always, I think the only thing to do is pick yourself back up, shake off the dust (and cookie crumbs) and start over.

Food Addiction

I realise what I posted two days ago was incredibly de-motivating, and I wish I could retract my statements and say it's all a lie - but I can't. The truth is, every now and then you will feel worthless, you will feel unmotivated, you will feel like giving up - and that's okay! We're human beings and these are normal feelings. I think what I've learnt is that you have to push through those feelings to get to the bigger issues - what is the real cause of my feelings of helplessness?

The way I've been viewing food is like alcoholism - one little slip-up and you descent into the foul depths of despair and cake. Food CAN be an addiction. It can make you lie awake at night pondering about pizza or chocolate, or pizza AND chocolate, or chocolate ON pizza... the list goes on. The mind can be a terrible thing - simultaneously giving you junk food cravings and feelings of desperation and helplessness. In my mind, I'm still a slave to the addiction - constantly beating down the sugar monster that dwells beneath. In reality, this is only half true - yes, every day is a struggle - but, you lost 20 kilos, bitch! I always fail to remember just how far I've come from what I used to be.

In an attempt to meld my old lifestyle with my new one, I'm going to make some changes. I'm going to pick one night of the week where I can completely let go - don't worry about gym, stay out late, drink (although maybe stay away from the neat tequila shots). At the same time, I'm going to try to give myself a break and stop feeling guilty every time I miss a gym session - I'm not going to let fears of reverting to my old chubby-cheeked self ruin my life now :)

Getting out of a workout rut

We've all been there... dragged your butt to the gym for the fourth day in a row and staring at that infernal treadmill with burning hatred in your eyes.

I often get in a rut of going to gym and doing the same workout day after day without any real enthusiasm. Last week I had the flu and couldn't go to gym for a whole week. When I finally got back into it, I had a renewed excitement for my workout routine. I could push myself harder because my body had had time to fully recover.

I'm not saying ditch the gym and stuff your face on the couch, I'm saying mix up your routine and let yourself recover. Take a long walk, go swimming, or go to a stretching class on your rest days.