Holiday Guilt

I went to my first spin class of the year on Thursday and was, of course, exhausted about 10 minutes in.

At the end of the class, the instructor said something really interesting. He said everyone is so tired because we're feeling guilty about the food we ate over the holidays. At first this seemed like complete gibberish (like what do YOU know about what I've eaten) but then he explained. He said we're spending so much of our energy on guilt and negativity that it's sapping our energy levels to do other things. We think that working out is just about physical energy but it's affected by emotional energy as well. Given that I felt guilty throughout the holidays, I think his theory has some validity.

I am so ashamed to admit that I am going back to Weight Watchers this week. From the end of last year, my eating (or rather, my constant snacking) was getting out of control and took a turn for the worst in the December holidays. My heart jumped out my chest when I got on the scale just after Christmas and found that I was 5 kilos heavier than my goal weight. My stomach was so big that for a second I honestly thought I could be pregnant.

I feel like a complete failure for not being able to maintain my weight. It feels like I've thrown all my hard work in the garbage. It seems like I've moved 5 steps back.

Thankfully, since getting home and going back to my normal routine, I'm only 3 kilos over my goal weight. However, I still feel fat, my jeans are still tight, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I'm determined to get back to my goal this year but, as I've stated so many times before, every day is a struggle. I've watched a lot of documentaries where they say food is an addiction. I never really understood that until now. I eat constantly. Not because I'm hungry, not because I'm sad, I just eat to eat. I'm finally understanding the depths of the situation that weight loss maintenance is a lifelong battle.

Maintenance Update #2

I've been struggling to write this post because everything I think of sounds terrible. I've been re-reading my old posts and, to be honest, 6 months later I still feel the same. As one of my New Year resolutions, I said I would only step on the scale on Fridays. Guess what? After the last maintenance update I've been checking my weight every single day. If you're following my insta account, then you know my body fat percentage has gone from 22% in December to 25% in May. Not only was this hugely demotivating, but it made me paranoid that I'm moving backwards on this journey. My goal is still a body fat percentage of 20 (and I feel confident that I will reach it eventually) but every day is a struggle - often mingled with feelings of anxiety and guilt.

I still feel like I'm fat (or at least fatter than most people). Why is it that other people - who weigh the same as me or even more - have a completely flat stomach and I still have a flabby muffin top? I know we all have different bodies, but really? This seems unfair. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how long it will take to undo 25 years of damage. Will I ever reach my goals?

Sometimes the most unexpected things upset me the most. When a friend says "you're so lame" after I refuse a shot. When a family member says "you're taking this too far". I might be overly sensitive, but those words play on my mind. I start to wonder if they're right... I wake up at 5 for gym and finish work at 6. I cook, I do dishes, I go to sleep. Repeat. I start to question what my life has become - Am I boring now? What do I do with my time? Do my friends even like me? I realise that many people won't understand my journey - and that's fine - but it still hurts when what I deem hard work is met with criticism and disdain.

What did I tell you? It all sounds terrible. It sounds as if between cooking, work, and the gym, I sit in my room weeping. This is not the case. After maintaining my goal weight for 6 months... I'm proud. I'm confident. I celebrate small victories.

I'm really happy with how my relationship with food has changed. It's the little things that I'm most proud of: knowing that I need a colourful plate of food with 50% veggies, eating a big breakfast full of healthy protein. I've changed my frame of mind from a life of indulgence to a life of balance. Well, I'm slowly getting there at least. I'm trying to eat when I'm hungry and not when I'm stressed, and not when I'm bored. I fail miserably a lot of the time but, the point is, I'm more aware of it now.

I like how I'm pushing my body. People love to comment "oh you're taking it too far, you're pushing yourself too much" but I'm doing things with my body that I never thought was possible for me. I never thought I'd start pole dancing, hanging upside down, and holding on for dear life with the back of my leg. It makes me feel brave and in control of my own life, and I think that's what people don't understand. My friends and family see it as fitness taking over my life, but I see it as me taking back control of my own health, body, and fitness.

I have this stuck on my fridge: Don't be scared to be alone. Goals are personal. No matter what issues I have regarding my family, my friends or my body image... I'm stronger than I was 6 months ago, I'm pushing harder, and that's all that matters.

New Year Resolutions

This week was my very last day at Weight Watchers. After you've reached your goal weight, you have to maintain it for 6 weeks to become a lifetime member. By some miracle, I have managed to maintain 54.8kg through a holiday of hotel buffets, very little exercise, and New Year's indulgence.

 

What better way to kick off the new year? Starting the year at a happy, healthy goal weight...
My immediate feeling, however, was not one of elation, but rather of fear. I've spent exactly two years of my life on Weight Watchers. Every Monday afternoon I would attend a weigh-in wearing the lightest clothing I could find and get on the scale with fingers crossed. What do I do now? How do I proceed to live a normal life?

I'm not usually one for new year's resolutions, but this year I'm making an exception. To help maintain my weight (and keep my sanity) I'm setting new goals to work towards. For starters, I want to change my habits at the gym. When I was still trying to lose, I would compulsively get on the scale every single day. I would get on pre-workout, post-workout, post-pee... I tried desperately to change the numbers flashing at me. So this year I'm only stepping on the scale on Fridays.

I'm also endeavouring to put more effort into my appearance. What's the use in losing all this weight but still keep my outdated baggy clothing? I'm trying to make calculated decisions when it comes to clothing purchases - no more baggy dresses, no more lace, no more drab colours. I'm trying to start a whole new wardrobe of mature, well-fitted clothing that will make me feel as different as I look.

My journey to clean eating has been a slow but steady process. Every now and then I'll stuff my face with oily, salty goodness (often referred to as chips), but for the most part I eat pretty well. Clean eating means avoiding refined, processed foods and rather eating real whole foods like lean proteins, whole grains, and plenty fruit and veg. This wonderful woman Shira Bocar is the goddess of delicious clean recipes and I hope to cook more like her this year.

Lastly, I have two main fitness goals:
1. To do a full wide-armed pull up without assistance.
2. To do a free handstand without the wall.
Seems easy enough? Well, it's not. You go try that handstand. It's a bitch.

5 tips to stick to your eating plan

30 kilos later... and at least once a week I'm asked the question "How did you do it?" There's no simple answer and there's no quick solution. To put it simply, it takes perseverance. That said, I have some tips that worked for me. I'm not saying they'll work for you - everyone has different diet habits - but I'd like to pass on any knowledge that might help :)

1. Don't drink your calories

Sodas, juices, ice tea - all full of sugar. The best thing to drink is water. Alcohol is another biggie - one glass of dry white contains up to 77 calories. If I do have wine, I choose a lite variety and add lots of ice.

2. Always eat breakfast

We've all heard the 'most important meal of the day speech' - well you know what? #TRUTH
When I wasn't eating breakfast, I would starve it out till about 11, at which point I resembled a zombie from The Walking Dead. My personal preference for a good breakfast is low GI seed bread with avo or egg.

3. Have a little junk food

I know what you're thinking... How can this retarded girl be telling me to eat junk food when I'm on a diet?? 
Well, in my version of healthy living you can eat everything. Yesterday I ate delicious greasy BACON CHEESE FRIES. Today? Back to healthy eating. Having just a little satisfies my craving so I have the motivation to keep going. I mean, a life without bacon is not worth living, right?

4. Get some sleep

If I'm out with friends, I start getting itchy feet by 11pm - God it's so late, I need to get to bed! When you're tired, you make bad food choices - you crave something carby and sugary to give you an energy boost. 8 hours - your body will thank you.

5. Stay active

Yeah yeah, I know the story... you had a rough day at work and now you just want to sink into the couch and watch junk TV. I know the feeling all too well. Even on the days I feel like that, I try to at least take a walk or do a chilled gym class. My problem? If I don't do any activity, I feel guilty and start eating the whole kitchen.

Every journey is different

A quick note about yesterday's post on Fitness Goals - remember that everyone's journey is different and some people take longer than others. About 10 years ago, my mom tried to make me attend Weigh Less. I probably lost max 3kg. I was not ready to change my lifestyle. I was not ready to change my eating habits. I was not ready to deal with my emotional issues. If someone is not willing to make changes to their life, nothing you say or do can change that.

I've accepted that my journey will take very long. The way I see it, I'm undoing 25 years of damage I've inflicted on my own body. I've accepted that the process will be long, but the important thing is to enjoy the process along the way.

PS: Look what my mom bought me! #BestMomEver