Emotional Eating

My boyfriend and I broke up on Monday. It wasn't as bad as you're imagining. There were no hurt feelings, there was no screaming, there was no crying. But there was sadness. Yes, there was sadness... this person you shared your time, hopes, dreams, anger, and love with will no longer be there.

Simply knowing he won't be there anymore leaves me with a deep sense of loneliness - as if the world suddenly grew smaller and I've been shoved onto a small island. 

That being said, I also know I'm going to be okay. I've gone through worse and only grew stronger, wiser, and more independent. 

It's also made me acutely aware of my emotional eating habits. I've always known I gobble up feelings of loneliness or boredom, but yesterday I was able to notice it immediately. It's that sort of constant shoveling action from bowl to mouth (oh, who are we kidding? straight from the packet to mouth) where you don't even think or feel or taste... you just eat. 

Now that I'm more aware of it, perhaps I can pre-empt it. 

Although sometimes, just sometimes... you need to simply let go and gobble that brownie.

The Best Breakfast Toasts

As I said in 5 tips to stick to your eating plan, my ideal breakfast is low GI seed bread with some form of delicious topping. Check out these tried-and-tested yummy combinations :)

PS: How to make basil mayo? Mix up mayo with strips of fresh basil and season with a pinch of salt and pepper. For a lighter version, swap out half the mayo for yogurt.

Watch what you eat

A few weeks ago my trainer said to me "You're going to have to watch what you eat soon."

My immediate reaction... What do you MEAN watch what I eat? What do you think I've been doing this whole time?? 

But then I realised... I really do need to take a good look at my diet. Even though I'm a healthy body weight, it doesn't mean that I'm healthy. My boyfriend and I buy brownie ice cream and sugar cones. I buy a french loaf and eat almost the whole thing in a day. If I'm ever going to achieve my body goals I need to look at the crap I'm putting in my body on a daily basis.

I know I could never go cold turkey on junk food... but I can definitely be more mindful. No more brownie in a mug at midnight. No more pizza after a night of drinking. It's time to take control of my food and my health.

Gym Ball Adventures

Every time.

5 tips to stick to your eating plan

30 kilos later... and at least once a week I'm asked the question "How did you do it?" There's no simple answer and there's no quick solution. To put it simply, it takes perseverance. That said, I have some tips that worked for me. I'm not saying they'll work for you - everyone has different diet habits - but I'd like to pass on any knowledge that might help :)

1. Don't drink your calories

Sodas, juices, ice tea - all full of sugar. The best thing to drink is water. Alcohol is another biggie - one glass of dry white contains up to 77 calories. If I do have wine, I choose a lite variety and add lots of ice.

2. Always eat breakfast

We've all heard the 'most important meal of the day speech' - well you know what? #TRUTH
When I wasn't eating breakfast, I would starve it out till about 11, at which point I resembled a zombie from The Walking Dead. My personal preference for a good breakfast is low GI seed bread with avo or egg.

3. Have a little junk food

I know what you're thinking... How can this retarded girl be telling me to eat junk food when I'm on a diet?? 
Well, in my version of healthy living you can eat everything. Yesterday I ate delicious greasy BACON CHEESE FRIES. Today? Back to healthy eating. Having just a little satisfies my craving so I have the motivation to keep going. I mean, a life without bacon is not worth living, right?

4. Get some sleep

If I'm out with friends, I start getting itchy feet by 11pm - God it's so late, I need to get to bed! When you're tired, you make bad food choices - you crave something carby and sugary to give you an energy boost. 8 hours - your body will thank you.

5. Stay active

Yeah yeah, I know the story... you had a rough day at work and now you just want to sink into the couch and watch junk TV. I know the feeling all too well. Even on the days I feel like that, I try to at least take a walk or do a chilled gym class. My problem? If I don't do any activity, I feel guilty and start eating the whole kitchen.

You don't look like the sporty type

I have a... let's say, an interesting relationship with my boyfriend's mother. She's a lovely woman - very accepting of me, very kind and helpful, and of course, she must have done a great job raising her son for me to want to date him. However, there are certain things she says that make me wonder what she really thinks of me. For the purpose of this post, let's call her MIL (mother-in-law).

Case 1

BF: Niki and I are going rock climbing.

MIL: Oh that's so nice that you try things Paul likes. You don't look very sporty, more of an arty-farty type.

Pause - Is arty-farty a euphemism for fat?!


Case 2

BF: Sooo... my mom was clearing her closet and asked if you want this?

*sends photo of oversized printed waist-coat thing*

Me: Ummm... tell her I said thank you for thinking of me, but it's not really my style.

BF: I tried it on, it's HUGE.

Now is it just me... or does she think of me as a heffer?

Annoying things people say #5

So I'm walking out the gym after pilates and a swim, and the receptionist stops me.

Receptionist: Can I ask you something... you've lost a lot of weight, right?

Me: Yeah

Receptionist: So, how did you do it?

Me: Umm... well I'm here every day...

Receptionist: That's all?

Me: I've been eating healthier as well.

Receptionist: So no pills or anything??

You WORK at the gym, crazy lady. You know I'm here EVERY day. Why on earth would I be gyming my butt off if I were taking pills? Exercise and healthy eating - the commandments of weight loss - why would you believe otherwise?

30 Kilos Later

I've always been fat. I grew up as a squishy chubby-cheeked little girl and continued to gain more weight as I got older. I remember being teased by a class member in Grade 1. I remember dreading my visits to Little Gem for uniforms at the beginning of the school year... knowing I had to go two sizes up. I remember feeling like I was different from other people. 

Growing up larger than most, you develop a lot of strengths. You make a lot of friends, you develop your personality, you learn how to cope on your own. You also develop defenses - in your relationships, your fears, in the way you picture your future.

I honestly never thought I would or could ever lose this much weight. I never thought I'd start running. I never thought I'd be wearing shorts and sleeveless shirts. 

When I first started losing weight, I didn't have any expectations. I set a goal of 10% of my body weight and thought I would be happy with just that. Once I lost the first 10kgs... I knew I could do more. I realised I had the potential and the drive to lose much more weight. 

This week I reached the 30kg mark. I'm amazed. I have collar bones I never knew existed. After almost two years, I've reached a body weight I deem 'normal'. This is usually the part where you say "Thanks to the support of xyz I was able to this".

No. I did this all on my own. No-one cooked me healthy food, no-one forced me to go to gym, no-one held my hand. I own this achievement. 

For anyone out there trying to lose weight, I want you to know the truth - there are two sides to this coin. Firstly, losing weight does not make you happy. You feel lighter, healthier, more energetic - but it cannot make you happier. Over the last two years, I've had to come to terms with my emotional issues regarding weight and weight loss. It seems that sometimes your fat issues are simply replaced by new ones. Sometimes when people tell me how good I look, I can't help but think how awful I must have looked before. I step on the scale every. single. day. My stress about looking fat has been replaced by the fear of getting fat again.

That said, losing weight is also liberating. I'm no longer scared of doing sports or adventure activities. I can go to the shops and buy any clothing I like. I'm a more confident and brave person. Losing weight is a true test of your strength and determination. It's not as simple as "eat less, exercise more" - there's emotions, temptations, peer pressure, self-loathing... the list is endless. Weight loss has taught me to just deal with one day at a time - You messed up? It's fine, start over tomorrow. Progress is far greater than perfection.

Recipe: Sweet & Spicy Salmon

I LOVE fresh salmon. I would eat it morning, noon, and night if I could. This is a super simple weeknight recipe - it takes 10 mins to make and it's incredibly satisfying.

So easy... you literally just chuck all the ingredients - maple syrup, soy sauce, garlic, chili flakes - in a bowl and then the oven. If you like it really spicy, you can add more chili flakes.

Line a dish with foil and add the salmon with half the sauce. Remember to spray your foil. I always forget and have to scrape my salmon out the tin. Pop it in a 180º oven for 8 mins.

There you have it! Delicious sweet and spicy salmon. Serve with rice and pour the remaining sauce over.

Sweet & Spicy Salmon

Ingredients:

• 1½ tbs maple syrup
• 1 tbs soy sauce
• ½ tsp crushed garlic
• ¼ tsp chili flakes
• salt and pepper
• 1 piece of fresh salmon
• handful of coriander

For serving:

• Rice or cous cous
• Lemon wedges
• Salad

Method:

1. Preheat your oven to 180°C.  
2. Mix the maple syrup, soy sauce, garlic and chili flakes in a bowl. Add salt and pepper according to taste.
3. Line an oven dish with foil and add your salmon. Pour half the sauce over the fish.  
4. Put the fish in the oven for 8mins or until cooked to your liking.  
5. Place the fish on rice and pour the remaining sauce over.
6. Sprinkle the whole dish with fresh coriander.
   
   

Just focus on today

One of the hardest parts about being a weight loss veteran is trying to help people who are struggling when I haven't got it all figured out either. This morning my friend Micaela anxiously messaged asking if her weight loss efforts are ever going to pay off.

For a while I wasn't sure what to say. How do you reassure someone that everything will be okay? How do you make them understand that change doesn't happen in a day? How do you explain that, even after two years, it still isn't easy?

Then I remembered a video from my favourite blogger, Andie Mitchell. In a TEDx talk, she recalls a story where a sponsor asks "Do you think you can make it to the end of today? Forget tomorrow, forget next week, just focus on making it through today".

I completely forgot about how important those words are. This week I've been struggling with emotional eating - fluctuations between boredom and stress have resulted in mass consumption of Lays chips and ice cream. I'll put on a kilo and get in a tizzy thinking I'm sliding back into my old ways. This reminder from Andie came exactly at the right time.

I discovered this wonderful lady Andie Mitchell when I came across her post "What I miss from 135lbs ago". Her feelings are my feelings. She has an incredible gift of expressing her emotions and experiences in words - and you can relate to all of it. She inspired me to start this blog, and to try to express myself as she does.

So I reminded Micaela: You need to just focus on today. Don't worry about how much weight you will lose and when... Just focus on being healthy today. 

Annoying things people say #4

Friend: Oh my god Susan's lost so much weight!

Me: Yeah I know, she looks really good.

Friend: She was starving herself though, she'll put it back on in a year.

Sorry, what?

I felt my blood boiling and my face getting hot. I jumped across the table like an animal and pounced on my friend. While yanking her hair furiously, I yelled in my loudest banshee shriek "HOW DARE YOU UNDERMINE SUSAN'S JOURNEY?!"

Well, I wanted to do that.

Instead, I quietly reflected on what she'd just said. Are you saying she's weak? Are you saying she can't stick to her goals? Are you saying her journey is pointless? Are you saying I'M going to put all the weight back on in a year? Are you saying MY struggle has been worthless?

Previously, I too would have scoffed at Susan's weight loss attempts... but now I understand the struggle. I know how much effort and dedication it takes. I know how much emotional turmoil you go through. I know how much you need support rather than criticism. I know how much those hurtful words can eat away at your confidence. All I really want to say is: please stop shaming each other. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Midweek Lunchbox

I saw this on Pinterest and just had to make my own version. I used a fresh sourdough loaf for the base of this delicious sandwich.

Side 1: Pesto Hummus, Baby Spinach, Watercress, Mozzarella

Side 2: Cucumber, Avocado, Green Chilli

The Skinny Rules

Last week was just one of those weeks when absolutely everything was falling apart. Emotionally and physically, I was not in it. I found myself trapped in this cycle of feeling guilty, eating badly, and not attending gym. Repeat. 

The theme for this week is: GET. YOUR SHIT. TOGETHER.

I have it in big letters on my bedroom cupboard. No more wallowing in self doubt. No more eating crap. No more idle walking on the treadmill. 

Often when I need fitspiration, I'll look back at my Heart Health pins. I came across these 20 Skinny Rules which, if followed in moderation, are actually pretty good. I'm certainly not going to start force feeding myself apples and berries, but they're good indicators to live by. One thing that really sticks out for me - RULE 18: Go To Bed Hungry. Last week, I fell into that old habit of late night snacking - the WORST thing to do when you're trying to lose weight. I found it also makes me feel fat and sluggish in the morning - definitely not a good way to start the day.

So this week - no more! I'm following these skinny rules.

Weight Watchers

This morning I was doing group training and someone asked how much I've lost. I said 28kgs. She said, "Wow, that's like half of you!" And then I realised... Shit she's right! I weigh double that amount. 

It's both a scary and wonderful thought. Wonderful because damn, I lost a lot of weight... and scary because, well, I was carrying all that baggage before.

The journey started when I decided to tag along with a friend to her Weight Watchers meeting. At the time I honestly didn't have any faith in myself - I thought I wouldn't even lose 5kgs. I took it slow, without expectations, and was pleasantly surprised with the results each week.

The beauty of the Weight Watchers eating plan is that everything is allowed. You want chocolate? Have it. Just do it in moderation and track what you eat. That being said, I've never been too strict about the eating plan. I took the lessons they taught me and applied it to my life.

Fast forward a year and a half... I'm still going to weigh-in every Monday afternoon. I like being accountable to someone - it's reassuring to know there's something to keep me in check. Every week we get a motivational hand-out, and every week I read it, grasp it, and try to apply it.

I'm not saying Weight Watchers is for everyone... For me, it was a way to come to terms with my eating habits. The program showed me how unhealthy my old habits were, how I could change them, and how I could live a life of eating well without restriction.

Old Habits

Sometimes I feel like I haven't learnt anything. I've lost almost 30kgs. I've changed my eating habits. I eat more veggies now. I eat seeded bread. I eat BEANS (13-year-old me would have shuddered at the thought) And yet... I still find myself making some of the bad decisions I've always done.

Today, after a big helping of dinner, I ate chocolate chips right out the box. Chocolate chips! It's not even a dessert! It's for baking damnit, not for stuffing in your face at hyper speed. To my knowledge there was no good reason for this shameful binge - I'm not upset, I didn't have a bad day, I don't think I was even craving sweets. It was just there and I had it.

Perhaps sometimes, when we're not vigilant, we fall back into our old habits. My old habit is being a Constant Craver and I just want to eat non-stop. There's something ridiculously familiar and comforting about that motion of hand-to-mouth. Then, once I've stopped, I get another familiar feeling - one of disappointment and shame. I get so mad at myself because, even though I've lost all this weight, I've still got this great big belly I'm trying to get rid of. They say abs are made in the kitchen, not the gym - well I've eaten the whole damn kitchen, now what?

As always, I think the only thing to do is pick yourself back up, shake off the dust (and cookie crumbs) and start over.

Every journey is different

A quick note about yesterday's post on Fitness Goals - remember that everyone's journey is different and some people take longer than others. About 10 years ago, my mom tried to make me attend Weigh Less. I probably lost max 3kg. I was not ready to change my lifestyle. I was not ready to change my eating habits. I was not ready to deal with my emotional issues. If someone is not willing to make changes to their life, nothing you say or do can change that.

I've accepted that my journey will take very long. The way I see it, I'm undoing 25 years of damage I've inflicted on my own body. I've accepted that the process will be long, but the important thing is to enjoy the process along the way.

PS: Look what my mom bought me! #BestMomEver

Fitness Goals

Yesterday I had my third fitness assessment and I am so so happy with the results. Some things haven't changed much - my arm size went from 11 inches to 10. Yup, still got those jiggly Oprah arms. However, some things have changed...

My body fat percentage went from 39.1 to 27.5. My resting heart rate went from 80 to 60. My water percentage went from 43.4 to 50.9. These are massive amazing changes that you can't see when you look at the exterior. Setting fitness goals has taught me that it's really not about the number on the scale or even the centimeters lost. It's about getting fitter, faster, stronger, and loving how it makes you feel.

Click the pic to expand

At my very first session 8 months ago, my trainer Daniella told me to set goals to work towards - goals that have absolutely nothing to do with the scale. Perhaps you want to fit into that dress you bought three years ago and never wore again. Perhaps you want to run a half marathon. Find something to work towards that doesn't involve you hopping on the scale every morning praying the numbers go down.

Fitness goals are about slow and steady progress. Getting stronger one day at a time.

Recipe: Healthier Mac & Cheese

I despise food wastage, so I try to use up all the leftovers in my fridge. The notion was probably burned into my psyche from childhood - don't you know there are starving children in Africa?!

This recipe was born from some leftover fat-free yogurt that was just begging to be used.

I know there is butter in this recipe. Before you start shunning the heathen... just know that I don't care what you think. Life is not worth living without a little bit of butter. I'll go low fat, but I'll never compromise on flavour :) I also LOVE garlic so I use a lot. You can reduce the amount for your recipe if you're not in the business of warding off vampires.

Healthier Mac & Cheese
Serves: 2 hungry people (or 3 regular humans)

Ingredients:

•  Half a packet of pasta
• 1 tbs butter
• 1 tsp olive oil
• Half a small onion, diced
• 2 tsp garlic, finely chopped
• 1 tbs flour
• Half cup fat-free milk
• Half cup fat-free yogurt
• 1 cup mozzarella, grated
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper 
• salt and pepper to taste

Method:

1. Cook the pasta according to packet instructions. While the pasta is boiling, reserve about a quarter cup of the pasta water. 
2. When the pasta is cooked, drain and set aside.
3. Place the butter and olive oil in a large pan. Add the onion and cook over a medium heat, until the onions are soft and translucent.
4. Add the garlic and cook for a minute, stirring constantly so that it doesn't burn. 
5. Stir in the flour and cook for another minute.
6. Add the milk and bring to the boil. Add cayenne, salt, and pepper to the mixture (I use lots of cayenne because I like a bit of heat)
7. Once the mixture is getting a thicker consistency, take the pan off the heat and add the yogurt and cheese. 
8. Stir in the pasta and do a final taste test for seasoning. 
9. If the sauce is too globby, add a bit of the reserved pasta water to make it smoother and thinner. 

I had some cooked bacon in the fridge so I chopped it up and added it to the sauce. You could add any toppings you like - mushrooms, peppers, chicken... Enjoy!

FAQ: Personal Training

8 months ago, I started personal training. There are 3 general questions I get asked about it:

1. Aren't you scared of getting too muscular?
No! I'm not lifting 50kg over here! Okay okay, to be fair... before I did my research I had the same misconceptions about weight training. We've all seen those scary buff girls with fake boobs and a Donald Trump tan and assume we'll look like that too. The truth is, you use weight training to build lean muscle, to burn fat, and to tone. Ever seen those girls with the incredibly firm perky ass? => Weight training. Squats.

 

 

2. Are you still with her? Don't you know everything now?
I've been for training 6 months. Daniella has been training for nearly 10 years - it's impossible for me to know everything. What I love about Daniella is that we do something different every single week. That way, you don't get bored with the routine and you learn new techniques all the time. A lot of people have told me that their trainer didn't do much with them and made them do a lot of cardio. You need to speak to your trainer and tell them what you want to focus on, and which parts of your body you want to work. If you're still not happy then change your trainer. You need to train with someone who inspires you, someone who will gently push you, and ultimately help you reach your fitness goals.

3. Maybe I should get a personal trainer? I need someone to make me do stuff.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but no-one can make you do anything. You are totally in control of your decisions. Daniella advises that her clients do 3 days of cardio in addition to the weight training once a week. Who's going to make you do those 3 days of cardio? The best way to get yourself to the gym is to do the things you love. Personally, I fell in love with running. I also love the dance workout class and body combat. Find a workout that you love and actually want to do and you won't need anyone to force you to gym.

The Awkward Gym Diaries

It gets awkward when the old biddy next to you can shake her 70-year-old booty better than you.

Monday Lunchbox: Tuna with Green Salad

This salad is my new obsession. There's something about the bitter greens combined with the sweet dressing that makes me drool as we speak. 

Ingredients:

- 1 cup mixed salad leaves, shredded

- 1/4 cup watercress

- 1/4 cup cucumber, chopped

- 1/4 avo, sliced

- a few slivers of onion, finely sliced

- a chunk of feta, chopped

Layer all the ingredients, keeping the avo on top so it doesn't get pulverised under the salad. The magic ingredient is this beautiful Sweet Balsamic Vinaigrette from food.com. Keep the dressing in a separate container to pour on at work - this will prevent the leaves from getting soggy and wilting. Enjoy! :)

Are you happy now?

Pic: freeimages.com

A few weeks ago, I bumped into a work colleague at Woolies. It was somewhat awkward because all I had in my shopping basket was a lonely cucumber.

Colleague: Nikita! Is that all you're having for lunch??
*eyes me as if I'm going anorexic*

Me: No, no... this is for something else.

Colleague: You've lost so much more weight.

Me: Haha... (always awkward)

Colleague: Are you happy now?

Excuse the rant but... WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? Am I HAPPY?! In what world do you live in where skinny equates happiness? And was I supposed to have been a miserable pudgy mess when I was fatter? Do you picture me crying on my bed stuffing my face with oreos while lamenting my double chin and fat rolls? Do you think if you lose weight you'll be happier?

But... maybe I misunderstood.

Maybe she meant "are you happy with your weight now?" to which I would still reply WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? Do you go around asking everyone if they're happy with their weight? Is that what you consider polite small talk amongst colleagues? Is anyone happy with their weight?

Excluding a minuscule few, who fully embrace their love handles and muffin top, the rest of us aren't happy. It doesn't mean we don't value ourselves or that we hate our bodies... We simply want to improve, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. We aim for progress, not perfection.

The Fat Mindset

When I used to go shopping, I would look through a variety of shirts and try to find the largest size. A lot of retailers only stock a max size 12 or 14 so I often found it very hard to find clothes that fit, let alone look good. The worst was when an item of clothing is simply labelled "large" – what the heck does that mean?! More often than not, it meant it's not going to fit me.

Once I started losing weight, I still went straight to the large sizes. I was still looking for the loose-fitting dresses and pants that could hide my stomach. My mindset hadn't yet adapted to my changing body.

On Friday while shopping, I found a nice long sleeve t-shirt. Looking at the large, I decided it was definitely too big for me. I picked up medium and small, eyeing them both with furrowed eyebrows. I took both to the changing room to try my luck. The medium felt great, comfy and loose-fitting. Then I put on the small - also comfy, but more fitted. At that point I realised I have no idea what size I am. Not only that, I have no idea how clothes are meant to fit. I'm so used to a baggy fit that I don't know what's normal anymore.

Being fat is a mindset, and it's so incredibly difficult to shake that perspective. With clothing, you have to find items that will hide your body... and the same goes for interactions with people. You often try your best to stay under the radar. If I was out with friends and someone approached the group, I would assume he was only talking to me to get introduced to one of the other girls. In my mind, I would feel offended and create a wall of aloof rudeness to make the situation just go away.

I am only now becoming more aware of the deep-seated feelings of vulnerability, anxiety, and shame that comes with a life of fat. I think you have to open yourself up to acknowledge the emotions, feel them, and let them go. Nothing good ever comes from bottling your feelings.

I know... easier said than done. Believe me, I still walk into a room and think I'm the fattest person there. I still freak out every time my boyfriend picks me up, thinking he's going to collapse under my weight. I still look at myself naked in the mirror and think "you're disgusting". Losing weight won't take those thoughts and feelings away. You have to work on that yourself.

The Awkward Gym Diaries

Sometimes your brain just doesn't work...

Me: So what do you normally do for breakfast?

Trainer: I have something small at home and then I eat again at gym.

Me: Oh ok cool, I usually do that when I have the runs.

Trainer: *Looks at me quizzically*

Wait, what did I just say?

Me: Oh my GOD I meant when I GO for a run!!

Home is where the food is

I put on a kilo in a week. How did I do it? Did I eat my weight in cake? No. I went home for the weekend.

I always go home with the intention of sticking to my healthy eating plan... but did I do that this time? As soon as I entered the house, I ate two big pieces of quiche. Just like that. There's something about being home that makes me want to eat and eat until I'm bursting at the seams... and then eat some more. One major problem is that my great big Indian family often shows love through food. Suppose I went to my grandmother's house and refused to eat the rich delicious meal she lovingly slaved over for hours? The correct answer is: It would not go down well. Each family member you visit expects you to share a meal with them. They bake something special just for you because they know you like it. They want to see the joy on your face when you eat and to know you had a good time with them. This is the joy, and the curse, of being at home.

I realise now that if I hadn't left home, I honestly wouldn't have had the strength to lose weight. Living on my own in Jhb, I have managed to keep a healthy environment. When I do buy junk food, I keep it to single serving portions. The last time I went home, my mom baked a tray of triple chocolate brownies. I pinched a slice every. single. time. I passed the kitchen. When you're in a shared living space, you can't expect other people to ban junk food or to restrict themselves because of you. You have to learn to live with the everyday-temptations and grow your own personal strength.

I failed this time, but next time I go home I'm going to exercise restraint. If I know I'm going out for a big supper, I'm going to have a light lunch. If someone makes brownies, I'm going to have one, not the entire tray. Every day is a challenge, and every good choice is a victory.

One more thing about being home... people exaggerate. Like, a lot. Someone said to me "You lost so much weight, you're the size of your sister now," to which I reply NO! I lost weight, not my damn eyesight! 

8-minute abs

A few years ago, I discovered a wonderful 80s-style workout video "8-minute abs". You know that old-timey workout video... the one with a spandex-clad instructor doing a random workout in an empty park... you know the one. 

Of course, I was always enticed by this video because it promised abs in a pitiful eight minutes (my kind of training!) One day I said to myself, "I am going to do this every single morning before I start my day and I am going to have such a flat stomach!" Needless to say, this resolution lasted a week.

Now that I'm more of a seasoned gym-goer, I've been putting in more effort than a half-hearted eight minutes. This morning, however, something drew me to the old abs video. Maybe it was a sense of nostalgia. Maybe it was the urge to rid my sins of the pie the night before. Whatever the reason, I did my eight minutes, and was pleasantly surprised by one little change.

On the last exercise, the instructor makes you place your fingers on your rectus abdominals (the ab area just below your boobs) while you do a minute of crunches. You're meant to feel the flat sheath that makes up the rectus abdominal muscles, and he says "hopefully you won't have to dig too far for long, gang" (Gang... Good god how old is this video? Who says that anymore?) A few years ago, this statement baffled me. I couldn't feel this "flat sheath" and I most certainly had to dig to feel anything under the blanket of fat. Today, for the first time, I felt the flat sheath... and it felt great.

Wake up!

Recently, especially if I know I have a tough week at work ahead, I've been getting up at 5am to go to gym (The horror! I know). It's really tough, but after the first few times, your body starts to get used to the routine and you'll find yourself waking up early voluntarily. Here are a few tips to get you started:

1. Get a good night's sleep
When you get in bed the night before, get off Insta and put your phone on silent. You need a good, uninterrupted sleep. In a perfect world, you should get 8 hours, but try to get 6 at the very least.

2. Don't set 30 000 alarms
Don't kid yourself. Letting yourself sleep in for an extra 15 minutes is not going to magically make you chipper and alert. It's a lot easier to have one alarm that you HAVE to get up for.

3. Put the lights on
In summer, get up immediately and open the curtains. It's definitely easier to wake up when you have some sunshine on your face. In winter, just put on the lights - and not just the bedside lamp which is soooo convenient and dim enough to fall right back to sleep - get up and put on the lights.

4. Drink water
As soon as you get up, drink a large glass of cold water. It will help to rehydrate your body and make you feel less groggy.

5. Pack early
You got over the hard part and now you still have to pack lunch?! Oh hell no. Pack your lunch and gym kit the night before. You'll be all set with no excuses.


If all else fails, you'll have to get a partner like me who forcibly removes you from bed.

Annoying things people say #3

Durban peeps have no chill.

Family and friends have a tendency to speak their mind because, you know, "I'm family, so I can say it". Returning to my home town, I hadn't seen some family members for almost 6 months - like our helper Alina who has been with us from before I was born.

Me: Hi Alina, how are you?

Alina: Ahhh you lost weight!

Me: Haha yeah...

Alina: [reaches forward and grabs my left boob]
           Where are your boobies?!

Yes, what you have heard is true. When you start training, your boobs get smaller. I'm still not sure if I'm okay with this or not. The true irony of it all is that I had a breast reduction about 5 years ago. At the time, I really thought I was never going to lose weight and that a reduction was my only option for smaller breasts and a more comfortable life.

Relaying this story to a friend... she said if I hadn't had the reduction, I probably wouldn't have had the confidence to start gyming. Hell, I probably wouldn't have even fit into a sports bra. So even though I've lost my boobs now, it was that reduction that probably helped me change my life.

So I guess I managed to do something I thought was impossible. I discovered I can control and manage changes in my body. So if you look at it like that, dropping a cup size doesn't seem so bad, right?

Green Goddess Chicken Salad

Salad Challenge Day 5: 

Green Goddess Chicken Salad

For the salad:

- 1 piece of chicken (any chicken will do, I had a schnitzel at home so I used that) 

- 3/4 cup lettuce, shredded

- 1/4 cucumber, chopped

- 1/4 avo, chopped

- 1/2 carrot, grated

- a chunk of feta

For the dressing:

I used this amazing recipe for the creamy basil avocado dressing. I just added a pinch of sugar to cut the sharpness of the lime.

Method:

You know the deal with my salad recipes - just mix all the ingredients.

Corn Side Salad

On day 4 of the salad challenge I made aubergine burgers (a recipe for another day) and a corn side salad. Nothing special, but a salad is a salad :)

Salad Challenge Day 4: 

Corn Side Salad

Ingredients:

- 1 cooked corn, cut from the cob

- 1/4 cucumber, chopped

- a chunk of feta

Method:

Mix all the ingredients in a bowl. Tip: If you have time, remove the seed part in the cucumber's core. It prevents the salad from getting watery.

Chopped Chicken Salad

When cooking, I usually just chuck in a bunch of random ingredients and if it's good I have no idea how to recreate it. Therefore, the following measurements are a bit of guess work... I think if you know you like certain ingredients then add more :) For example, if you like a more spicy mustardy flavour, add more mustard. 200g of chicken is enough for 2 meals, so you have leftover for tomorrow :)

Salad Challenge Day 3: 

Chopped Chicken Salad

For the marinade:

- 200g chicken strips
- 2 tbsp fat free yogurt
- 1 tbsp lemon juice
- 1 tsp honey
- 1 tsp crushed garlic
- 1/2 tsp dijon mustard
- pinch of salt and pepper
- chilli flakes (use at your discretion)

For the salad:
- 3/4 cup lettuce, shredded
- 1/2 cooked corn, cut off the cob
- 1/4 avocado, chopped
- 1/2 tomato, chopped
- 1 spring onion, finely chopped
   I usually use red onion, but you use what you've got :)
- 1/4 cucumber, chopped
- a chunk of feta

For the dressing:
- 2 tsp olive oil
- 2 tsp lemon juice
- 1 tsp sugar
- pinch of salt and pepper

Method:

1. Mix the chicken with all the marinade ingredients and store in the fridge overnight. If you can't do overnight, let it marinade for at least two hours.
2. Add 2 tsp of olive oil to a non-stick frying pan. Add the chicken and fry on medium heat for about 7 minutes. If you had any leftover marinade, you can pour it on. Flip the chicken and cook for another 7 minutes, or until cooked through.
3. In the meantime, put all your chopped veggies in a bowl.
4. Lastly, put all the dressing ingredients in a cup and whisk with a fork.

Weight Loss Tip: Don't add all the dressing to the salad at once. Add a little as needed and save the rest for later.

Tomato Salad Snack

In case you haven't realised yet... almost all my recipes are single-serving. It's an art I've been perfecting for the last two years. Cooking smaller portions of food is so important for weight loss, especially if you have the magpie syndrome like I do - basically, you don't want any food to go to waste ever so you will consume it yourself.

Salad Challenge Day 2: 

Tomato Salad Snack

Ingredients:

- 1 tomato, chopped

- 1/2 tsp olive oil

- 1 tsp balsamic vinegar

- 2 basil leaves, shredded

- salt and pepper to taste

Method:

Mix all your ingredients in a bowl. Serve with two pieces of fried haloumi.

The Fat Kid

My dad has a penchant for milestone birthday videos. He has no skaam about what pictures to include in the video - three-year-old you in the bathtub, in bed wearing your rattiest holey t-shirt, and of course, that picture taken from a bad angle where you have like, three chins.

Today is my uncle's birthday so my dad put together pictures of him from childhood to now. I had never seen young versions of my aunt and uncle so it was an eye-opening experience. What I noticed is that most of my family members were quite skinny and gradually started to put on weight over time. I, on the other hand, was a fat child. I also started putting on more weight over time, but I was definitely fat from the start.

I can remember in Grade 1, this bitch Teval told me I couldn't play catches with her group because I was too fat. I don't remember much from age 5, but that has stuck with me all these years. It makes me wonder how my life would have been different if I wasn't always the fat girl in class. I can imagine I would have had more confidence... perhaps I would have played more sports... maybe I would have had better luck with boys... who knows what could have happened. The reality is, being fat made me unhappy, being unhappy made me eat, and eating made me fat - the cycle was never-ending.

We can't relive or change the past, but we can take control of our emotions. Being fat left me with a deep sense of distrust and vulnerability. You constantly feel like people are laughing at you, that you're worthless, and that no-one will ever want you. It still affects my relationships today. I am trying to let go of those thoughts. I often feel like I've gotten rid of them and that I'm a new confident woman, but then something happens to trigger those feelings and all the memories come flooding back.

It's just another struggle that you have to work on every single day - learning to trust people, to stop being cold and distant with strangers, to view yourself as strong and beautiful.


PS: I didn't abandon the Salad Challenge, I just haven't had time to post :)

The 5-Day Salad Challenge

After yesterday's abominable food decisions, I've decided to be a little more proactive and make sure I have ready-made meals for the week. The artery-clogging takeaway from yesterday has left me craving my greens so I'm posing a challenge to myself - to create different types of salads for at least 5 meals this week. That means any type of salad - cold, warm, asian, fruit, in a roll, on toast - anything goes.

Salad Challenge Day 1: 

Chilli Tuna Salad Wraps

Ingredients:

- 1 can of shredded tuna

- 1 medium carrot, grated

- 1 handful of lettuce leaves, shredded

- 1/4 avocado, chopped

- 1 heaped tsp low fat mayo

- 2 heaped tsp fat free plain yogurt
- 1 tsp lemon juice

- 1 chilli, finely chopped

- 1 whole grain wrap

Method:

Combine all your ingredients in a bowl. Place the mixture in the centre of the wrap, fold over, and cut in half. Tip: I only put the filling in my wrap at lunch time to prevent the whole thing from getting soggy.

Poor Life Choices

Sometimes you just have a bad day and make poor life choices. For instance, when you eat two helpings of the devil's nectar (otherwise known as dessert) after a rather large pasta lunch. On Monday you decide enough is enough, you just HAVE to have a salad for lunch. Silly you, you don't plan in advance so you have to buy lunch. By 12 you are so hungry you see food every time you close your eyes. The salad idea goes out the window and you opt for Chinese food to warm that vast empty pit (sometimes goes by the technical term 'stomach'). Alas, the restaurant is closed on Mondays. Instead of getting the hint the universe is giving you, you proceed to the crappy Chinese restaurant down the road, forgetting that their food is oily and has a bit of a weird flavour. Finally, you get back to the office... sit down with your crappy, greasy chow mein... and wish that you had ordered the salad.

Food Addiction

I realise what I posted two days ago was incredibly de-motivating, and I wish I could retract my statements and say it's all a lie - but I can't. The truth is, every now and then you will feel worthless, you will feel unmotivated, you will feel like giving up - and that's okay! We're human beings and these are normal feelings. I think what I've learnt is that you have to push through those feelings to get to the bigger issues - what is the real cause of my feelings of helplessness?

The way I've been viewing food is like alcoholism - one little slip-up and you descent into the foul depths of despair and cake. Food CAN be an addiction. It can make you lie awake at night pondering about pizza or chocolate, or pizza AND chocolate, or chocolate ON pizza... the list goes on. The mind can be a terrible thing - simultaneously giving you junk food cravings and feelings of desperation and helplessness. In my mind, I'm still a slave to the addiction - constantly beating down the sugar monster that dwells beneath. In reality, this is only half true - yes, every day is a struggle - but, you lost 20 kilos, bitch! I always fail to remember just how far I've come from what I used to be.

In an attempt to meld my old lifestyle with my new one, I'm going to make some changes. I'm going to pick one night of the week where I can completely let go - don't worry about gym, stay out late, drink (although maybe stay away from the neat tequila shots). At the same time, I'm going to try to give myself a break and stop feeling guilty every time I miss a gym session - I'm not going to let fears of reverting to my old chubby-cheeked self ruin my life now :)

When does it end?

I dropped two kilos this week, but I don't see it as a victory.

I practiced mindful eating, and it was amazing because I got full so quickly, but it was also horrible because it forced me to be alone with my thoughts. I'm realising that one of the main reasons I (and so many others) eat in front of the telly or PC, is because it distracts you from loneliness. For almost every meal this weekend, I laid out the table, sat alone, and slowly ate my food. It got to a point that I didn't even want to eat because I didn't want to experience that soul-crushing sense of emptiness. By Sunday, I had half a brownie for dinner and went straight to bed.

It makes me wonder... when will this journey be over? I've enjoyed a lot of it, but there are moments such as this where I wish I could just switch it off and be normal again. This weekend, for whatever reason, I pushed myself way too hard at gym. I was sore and broken and I kept on going. Is this to be my life forever? Constantly pushing harder and harder trying to reach an unattainable goal? Most of the time I'm so happy and content with my progress... and then I see not one, but TWO girls at gym with crop tops and perfectly sculpted abs. (Seriously, bitch? Stop flaunting your perfect body in front of me) I look at how much time and effort it's going to take me to get to that level and it feels impossible.

Early Sunday morning, as I was putting on a load of laundry and doing other household chores, my room mate arrived back from a night of partying. I stopped drinking because they're empty calories, I don't stay out too late so that I can gym the next morning, I turn down events because I feel out of place, and I wonder if it is all worth it.

Mindful Eating

 Pic: freeimages.com

When I was a child, I got banned from watching TV while eating breakfast because it would take me about an hour to eat half a bowl of chocos. Pepper-Ann and Doug were so enthralling that I forgot to eat. (Who does that? Forget to eat? The idea is ludicrous!)

Now I have the exact opposite problem. I can sit watching an episode of QI and next minute I realise all my food is gone. (What did it even taste like? I can barely remember)

So this week I'm trying to put a new way of eating into practice: Mindful Eating
This means you really have to take note of everything going on your plate from prep to finishing off the last bite. A few guidelines:

• Your main meal should have a protein and at least two veg. I struggle with this because when I think 'dinner' my mind immediately jumps to pasta, rice, roasted potatoes, more pasta. What I've tried to do this week is only buy protein and veg. If it's in the fridge, you have to eat it.
• No eating in front of the TV. My GOD I struggle with this. When you're eating alone what the hell else do you have to do? Will update you if I ever win this battle.
• Put your knife and fork down in between mouthfuls. This is such a simple one but I've never thought about it before. If you keep pausing between bites, your brain has more time to register that you're full.
• Don't go for seconds. THIS is a tough one, especially when you're at dinner parties or family gatherings. If you're at a buffet, you have to survey all the items, dish up what you want, and stick to that portion. It's tough at first, but you'll notice you're actually full from that first serving.
  
  

The idea is to eat slowly and savour the flavour of each bite of food. I've discovered it's incredibly difficult, but it's an interesting challenge in terms of self-discipline. Oh and another thing - if you don't like something, don't eat it! This seems like a reasonable assumption but I don't know how many times I've found myself chowing chips or a McD hamburger and thinking "this tastes gross" but carrying on. So learn from my mistakes and be mindful of everything you eat :)

Thanks Weight Watchers for these awesome tips!

Annoying things people say: GRANDMA EDITION

As people get older, they start to lose a lot of senses. They lose their hearing, their eyesight, and then some people completely lose the ability to hold their tongue. My granny says whatever inappropriate comments come to mind, but we love her for it.

Granny: Oh Nikita you're looking so good!

Me: Ah thanks Dadima...

Granny: Do you want a chocolate?

Me: Oh I met ***** yesterday...
Granny: I don't like that girl.

Granny: Please, have some more!

Me: No no, Dadima, it was delicious but I can't eat anymore.

Granny: What, you don't like my food?

Granny: You know your sister has gotten fat!

Me: Tasha is so skinny!

Granny: Ya, but she's put on weight.

Lady: Hi Bhindoo, how are you?

Granny: Sorry, I don't remember you...

Lady: I used to be the secretary at the office.

Granny: Oh yes! I couldn't recognise you because you got so fat.

Granny: You've gotten fat hey. Now come have lunch.
Tasha: No, you just said I'm fat!
Granny: Noooo I didn't say that.. you must eat.

In the summer...
Granny: Why have you gotten so dark? You used to be so fair